As of October 1st, America’s healthcare providers were forced to adopt thousands of new medical codes to record their patients’ conditions in more excruciating detail than ever before. Some of the more than 68,000 diagnostic codes will be helpful: for example, differentiating between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. Others, such as differentiating between a dolphin or sea lion attack (W56.02X and W56.12X, respectively), may prove less so.
Listed below are 18 real examples of the new codes your healthcare provider must know. The codes are 100% authentic. The doctor’s dialogue is not.
T43.616A — Underdosing of caffeine. You were right to see your physician about this. My colleagues at Starbucks are clearly dropping the ball. Take 10 cups of Arabica blend and call me in the morning.
Z73.1 — Type A behavior problem. So, coffee makes you a raging jerk… perhaps you need something productive to do with all this new energy? A hobby, perhaps?
V91.07 — Burn due to water skis on fire. Maybe a less extreme hobby?
Y93.D1 — Accident while knitting or crocheting. Have you thought about birding?
W61.12 — Struck by Macaw. Fishing?
W56.22 — Struck by orca. I don’t think you understand how “fishing” works.
R45.83 — Excessive crying of child, adolescent, or adult. I’m sorry, it’s wrong of me to criticize. What you really need is a vacation… somewhere quiet and far away from your stressors.
V95.42XA — forced landing of spacecraft, injuring occupant. Maybe somewhere not quite so far away.
V97.33 — Sucked into jet engine. Or quite so…vertical?
V90.25XA — Drowning due to falling from burning canoe or kayak. Look, just stick to land.
W22.02XD — Walked into a lamppost. You dimwit. Broke a bone? Thank God for X-rays.
R45.83 — Excessive crying of child, adolescent, or adult. I’m sorry, geez! Would it help if I got you a deal on fixing that broken nose? I know a great guy. Worked on Michael Jackson.
R461 — Bizarre personal appearance. Yikes… maybe you should lay low for a while… catch up on your reading?
Y92.241 — Hurt at library. …How?
F40.233 — Fear of injury. Yeah. I don’t blame you. Is there a safe place you can recuperate?
W18.11XA — Fall from or off toilet. OK. I’m going to write you a prescription for this great new device called Depends.
R46.0 — Very low level of personal hygiene. …You know you have to change them every day, right?
Z73.4 — Inadequate social skills. Well, maybe if you weren’t ugly and smelly and wearing a diaper…
R45.83 — Excessive crying of child, adolescent or adult. Oh, great, now I’m the bad guy again! Don’t you have a partner who can console you through this?
Z63.1 — Problems in relationship with in-laws. I’m sorry. For that there is no cure.
Look through all the government’s, uh, thorough new health codes here.