When you know your selfie is hot
"How much do I weigh? One hundred and sexy!"
"Shameless self-promotion is an underappreciated art form. Let's fix that."
"Brought to you by Spanx and self-confidence."
"I've got it, I'm flaunting it, and you're liking it."
"I'm sexy and I know it. And now you do too."
When your selfie is awful but you're posting it anyway
"Posting this to make everyone else feel better about themselves. You're welcome."
"Showing myself at my worst so the next selfie I post, you'll all be astounded by my stunning transformation."
"I'm probably going to regret this (in 3...2...1...)."
"My dog dared me."
"The cat made me do it."
When you think your selfie is fabulous but don't want to brag
"Woke up like this. (Because I fell asleep in this outfit and makeup.)"
"Some people grow up, I glow up."
"Oh no, my toddler got my phone, took this perfectly posed (but candid!) picture of me and accidentally posted this, I'm so embarrassed! But really the kid's kind of a genius, right?"
When your fitness selfie is #Goals
"This girl is on fire! (Seriously, my quads are burning)"
"Welcome to the gun show! (So what if mine are of the "conceal and carry" type?)"
"Meet you at the bar(bell)?"
"I go to the gym because clearly my amazing personality deserves a body to go with it."
"I don't sweat, I sparkle."
"I just finished squats—and didn't toot once!"
When your selfie goes horribly wrong
"My life's purpose is to be a cautionary tale for others."
"Send in the rescue dogs (preferably the ones with kegs around their necks)."
"Why did no one warn me [eating ice cream/walking the dog/taking a picture with a baby] was so dangerous?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have terrible judgment."
When your selfie is photobombed
"Deploy the secret cuteness weapon—kids!"
"I totally knew that creepy guy was behind me. Sure I did."
"He said he was Lady Gaga."
When your selfie involves delicious food
"I'd hate to get to the end of my life and think "I could have eaten that!" #noregrets"
"How do I like my eggs? In cake."
"I have hunger management issues."
"When the waiter asked what I'd like, I handed the menu back and said "yes, please!"
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a cupcake."
"WTF (where's the food)?"
"Why cake? It's somebody's birthday somewhere!"
When your selfie is in another country and you want people to notice
"Jet lag is for amateurs."
"This is my road to recovery."
"The only trip you will regret is the one you don't take. (Okay, and that trip where you ate the sketchy seafood and couldn't figure out how to flush the toilets in Morocco.)"
"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine—it's lethal. —Paulo Coelho"
"Have you posed by a naked statue today? No, your garden gnome doesn't count (he has a hat)."
When you're updating your relationship status via selfie
"We broke up for religious reasons—he believed he was God and I didn't."
"It's complicated—our drink order, that is. The relationship is great!"
"Does this ring make me look engaged?"
"Another one bites the dust."
"He, me, and baby make three!"
When you want people to notice your new ~look~
"I got a haircut! It went so well I went ahead and had all my hairs cut!"
"I call this the 'Hey, at least I tried.'"
"At least it's not a clip-on man bun."
"Pinterest made me do it."