26 Clever Wedding Jokes and Quotes Perfect for Any Speech

It's been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.

A good comedy ends in marriage—and a good marriage should be full of comedy. Whether you are the bride or groom, a best man or maid of honor, or simply the sort of friend or relative who can't resist the chance to speak your heart and mind (that is, drunk), the greatest gift you can bring to any wedding ceremony is a well-rehearsed wedding speech that is light, fun, and hopeful. Leave the tired gags about bossy wives or disloyal husbands at the door, and peg your thoughts instead to that one form of humor all wedding guests can revel in: stupid, stupid puns. (While you're at it, don't miss these even funnier jokes about married life.) Below, find 26 short wedding puns guaranteed to make even grandma laugh—plus a smattering of funny marriage quotes that don't once use the phrase "mother-in-law" to get a laugh. Congratulations, and cheers!

14 speech-worthy wedding puns for any crowd:Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Two cannon balls got married this morning. I hear they’re already expecting BBs.

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb? He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock It's been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Why did Comic Sans break up with Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just didn’t have that spark.
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other periodically.

Content continues below ad

12 speech-worthy wedding quotes for any crowd:

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up." —Ogden Nash
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves." —Toni Sciarra Poynter
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person." —Mignon McLaughlin

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time." —Anne Taylor Fleming
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together." —James H. Boren
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn't show up on X-Rays, But you know it's there." —George Burns

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other's minimum daily requirements." —Kathy Mohnke
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." —Rita Rudner
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." —Milton Berle

Content continues below ad

Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." —Phyllis Diller
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "Love is sharing your popcorn." —Charles Schulz
Marriage-Jokes-Perfect-For-Any-Wedding-SpeechKarma3/Shutterstock "To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with." – Mark Twain

Content continues below ad

View as Slideshow

Become more interesting every week!

Get our Read Up newsletter

how we use your e-mail
We will use your email address to send you this newsletter. For more information please read our privacy policy.