Joanna Avillez for Reader's Digest
I’m a very busy woman looking for an assistant to help me with certain important tasks. This is not your average assistant job. What I’m looking for is someone to take care of some of my more personal business so that I may focus on my true passion: grocery shopping.
Please apply if and only if you are willing and able to accomplish the following tasks:
- Work: I would love to have a nine-to-five job. However, I find sitting in an office all day unbearable. An ideal assistant would secure a high-paying office job and excel in that setting, even going so far as to eagerly accept every invitation to after-work drinks.
- Attend doctors appointments: I’m looking for someone to not only set up but also attend all medical appointments for me. As I realize this may be illegal and perhaps even impossible, I would consider a candidate who is willing to get weighed in my stead, and then I’d proceed with the rest of the experience myself.
- Go on family vacations: I love my family, especially when I don’t have to spend time with them. Thus, I will require my employee to attend all family vacations in my place. Since I’ll miss out on spending time with my nephews, a good assistant will live-stream them for me the entire time while discreetly muting the live-stream whenever they start fighting.
- Exercise: I am determined to get in better shape but find working out strenuous and tiring. The right candidate will exercise for a minimum of an hour every day and allow me to reap the benefits of his or her vigorous activity.
- Eat: Just kidding—I love eating!
- Maintain friendships: As a bad planner who’s often too lazy to get off her couch even when she has a function to attend, I’m looking for someone who’s able to not only spend time with my friends but also nurture those very important relationships. That means my employee must be a good listener who’s able to withhold his or her opinions about said friends’ significant others.
- Date: I’m looking for love but find dating tedious and intimidating. Ideally, my employee will get a drink with a potential mate so he or she can do the tiresome work of getting to know someone and deciding whether I’ll like him. If the romantic candidate advances past a third date, I’d be willing to step in and proceed with the relationship from there, excluding birthdays, holidays, and other high-pressure situations.
- Have a baby: I’m eager to have a child, but being pregnant and giving birth seems hard. Likewise, raising a child seems daunting. I’d prefer to spend an hour or two with my child each day while someone else tackles the incredible responsibility of child-rearing. Once my child turns 18, I will happily assume all parenting duties, excluding any financial obligations.
- Die: I just don’t think it’s for me.
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