20 Funny Science Jokes, According to Someone Who Once Got a B-Minus in Biology
The Reader’s Digest humor editor burned the midnight Bunsen burner looking for gags that would have had his school’s science department howling.
Whatta PillTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” ”You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist. ”That’s it, I can never remember that word.” (Check out these hilarious nerdy quotes that any geek would appreciate!)
When Three Scientists Go On VacationTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”
What’s on a Chemist’s NightstandTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
I was reading a book on helium. I couldn’t put it down. (If you’re loving these science jokes, you’ll get a kick out of these math jokes.)
A Class ActTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”
But Ask FirstTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? A: Pull down its genes. (For more brainy science jokes, check out these jokes that will make you sound like a genius.)
But the Proton is 86-ed!Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
(Eds. Note: The neutron is a subatomic particle with no net electric charge. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t get it. I had to look it up.)
If You’re Going to Their House for Dinner, You Might Want to Eat BeforeTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high, the second one, about a meter too low, the third one yells, “We got it!” (Speaking of deer, get a laugh out of these hilarious animal jokes.)
They Had a Certain ChemistryTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??
Teen 2: OMg!
(Eds. Note: Ok, this one had to be explained to me, too, so I’ll pay it forward: Oxygen is represented in the periodic table by O, while magnesium is Mg. “OMG, Now I get it!”)
One Experiment Too ManyTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
Famous last words from chemists: 1) And now the taste test …
2) And now shake it a bit …
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
5) Now you can take the protection window away …
Check out some more of our favorite chemistry jokes all science nerds will appreciate.
Sage Marital AdviceTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?” ”No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.” (Thought that was funny? You’ll love these marriage jokes.)
Cutting the Red TapeTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
This Joke Stinks!Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”
Now Playing on Cinemax …Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”
Behave Yourself!Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
After sex, one behaviorist turned to another behaviorist and said, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”
(Eds. Note: I didn’t laugh at this gag until someone told me that behaviorism puts scientific observation of behavior above theorizing about unobservables like thoughts, feelings and beliefs. In other words, since this guy couldn’t observe himself, he refused to opine whether or not he had fun. See, I told you it was funny.)
Don’t Believe What They Said About Me!Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
Q: Why can you never trust atoms? A: They make up everything!
Elementary, My Dear Watts!Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
What was the name of the first Electricity Detective? Sherlock Ohms.
We’re Quaking In Our BootsTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, “Sorry, my fault.”
Next Time, Call a DoctoriumTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist? A: If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.
Scientists ExplainedTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.
The biologist remarked, “Oh they must have reproduced.” The engineer said, “Our initial count must have been incorrect” The mathematician stated, “Now if one more person goes into the building it will be completely empty.”
It Took a Lot of CoaxingTatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock
They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.