An elderly woman is watching her grandson play on the beach when a huge wave comes in and sweeps him out to sea. Frantic, she falls down on her knees and pleads, “Please, God, save my only grandchild. Please, I beg you, bring him back.”
Suddenly another wave comes in and delivers the boy onto the beach, as good as new.
The grandmother looks up to heaven and shouts, “He had a hat!”
Millions of stars
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute, then says, “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
“Watson, you idiot!” Holmes says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
If these are too long, check out these short jokes anyone can remember.
One evening over dinner, a boy asked his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”
“That’s disgusting,” said the father. “You know the rules—we don’t talk about things like that while we’re eating.”
After dinner, the dad asked, “Now, what was it you wanted, son?”
“Oh, never mind, Dad,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Savor every moment
A doctor walks into the examining room and puts his hand on his patient’s shoulder.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh no!” says the patient. “How long do I have to live?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“Ten?” cries the panicked patient. “Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?”
The doctor calmly replies, “Nine …”
These corny jokes will have you laughing.
Don’t stop the game
“See that kid?” a barber says to his customer during a haircut, pointing to a 12-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.” The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills and asks, “Which one do you want?”
The kid takes the one-dollar bill and leaves the shop.
“See?” the barber says, laughing. “The dumbest kid in the world.”
The customer leaves the barbershop and spots the boy coming out of an ice cream store. He says, “If you don’t mind my asking, son, why didn’t you take the five-dollar bill?”
The boy takes a lick of his ice cream cone and says, “Because the day I choose the five, the game is over.”
It was the morning of Black Friday, and there was a big sale at the electronics superstore. People lined up outside at 5 a.m. At about 7:30, there was a huge commotion when a short guy in khaki pants tried working his way to the front of the line. He didn’t get very far before the mob grabbed him, wrestled him out of line, and threw him into the parking lot.
The little guy got up, brushed himself off, and tried again. He was barely able to take another step before an even bigger mob attacked him and threw him out of the line again. Undeterred, the guy got up and started limping toward the front of the line a third time.
“Are you nuts?” asked one of the red-faced mob members. “Don’t you know you’re just gonna get tossed out of line again?”
“Yeah, I know,” the man replied. “But if you don’t let me get to the front of the line, I’ll never be able to open the store.”
Try out these jokes on your friends if you want to sound smart.
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” she shouts in a panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on Route 80.”
“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
A sign from God
After weeks of rain, a town flooded and residents had to be evacuated. At one house, rescue workers found a man standing waist-deep in water. “C’mon! Get in the boat!” the rescuers shouted.
The man shouted back, “No! I have faith in God, and He will save me!”
Soon the floodwaters chased the man to the second floor. Luckily, though, another boat came by. “Get in the boat!” the rescuers urged.
“No way!” the man said. “I have faith in God, and He will save me!”
The floodwaters continued to rise, and the man had to climb to the roof of his house. Fortunately, a rescue helicopter came by and dropped a ladder for him. The pilot shouted through a megaphone, “Grab the ladder!”
The man refused. “No! I have faith in God, and He will save me!”
But the floodwaters rose above the roof. The man was swept away and drowned. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he demanded an audience with God. “God,” he said, “I was certain that you would save me, but you let me die. Why? Why did you abandon me?”
God replied, “What do you mean? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”
A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It’s an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each item on the menu.
As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and the gravy line.
Finally he brings back two heaping plates of food. “Are you thirsty?” he asks his date. “What would you like to drink?”
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So the guy goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. After considering all his options, he gives up and returns empty-handed.
Next, read these anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
via amazon.comFor more jokes, get the book Life is a Joke by the Javna Brothers.