Diet & Weight Loss
15 Hilarious Weight Loss Stories That Everyone Can Relate To
Losing weight can be a challenge. You can most likely relate your weight loss journey to one of these hilarious stories.
No More Meat!
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.” When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”
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Weight Loss Buddies
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”
Bland Diet Food
My sisters and I have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips. One day my oldest sister was showing us a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken dish she had tried the night before. Reading the ingredients, I commented, “It looks like it would taste really bland.”
“It did,” she replied, “until I added cheese and sour cream.”
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Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”
I started my diet that day.
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Something to Prove
Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.
Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat men do you know who can do that?”
“One,” she retorted.
—R. T. McLaury
After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
—Ruth J. Luhrs
In Good Company
My daughter couldn’t muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, “Linda’s so skinny it makes me sick.”
“If it bothers you,” I suggested gently, “why don’t you do something about it?”
“Good idea, Mom,” she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, “Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake.”
—Doris E. Fletcher
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Hiding the Evidence
A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.
“What did he say when he found out?” one club member asked.
“He never found out,” she said. “I made another cake and ate half.
The Fine Print
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was “Serves 6.”
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Putting It Off
Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn’t have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive!
“All right,” said Mother happily. “But let’s wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first.”
Easy Weight Loss
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I was talking to my doctor about a weight-loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. “Does it work?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said. “If you put it over your mouth.”
The Old-School Approach
The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. “How’d you do it?” we asked. “Easy,” she said. “Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock.”
—Cathy J. Schreima
Going Way Back
Mary decides to consult a diet doctor. “What’s the most you’ve ever weighed?” he asks her.
“One hundred fifty-nine pounds.”
“And the least?”
“Six pounds, four ounces.”
A Sad Place
Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale.
“Don’t go on that, Joey,” warned the boy’s slightly older brother.
“It makes people cry.”
A Piece of Cake
My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating.
“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”
—Sharon E. Askegreen