Where are Average Things Manufactured?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”