“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
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I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
@shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!”
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
A: You take the yule log
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
A: Social Security