I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE.
Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.