Can You Hear Me Now?

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen 
me dancing at a concert.
@SammyRhodes

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)

• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures… Read More

Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat.

@1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano

Sam Grittner

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware