Can You Hear Me Now?

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house.

—@juliussharpe

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

—George Carlin

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

—Garrison Keillor

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.

Jimmy Kimmel

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand …
on the other.”

Harry Truman