Can You Hear Me Now?

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they 
upload clips of cute humans 
trying to open DVD packaging 
and jump-start 
cars.

@rolldiggity

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.

—Mel Brooks

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

—Allan Sherman

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!  

Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?”

—Comedian Bob Marley

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.

Wendy Liebman

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.

@shutupmikeginn

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg