Can You Hear Me Now?

“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” 
- Cargo Shorts

@DearAnyone (Artie Johann)

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

@SCbchbum (Erica)

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.

@goldengateblond (shauna)

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.

—Bob Hope

The cool part about naming 
your kid is you don’t have to add 
six numbers to make sure the name 
is available.

@billmurray

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

—Steven Wright