Can You Hear Me Now?

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?

Jay Leno

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

—anonymous

Seen on the door of a repair shop:WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)

I think my parents have become ghost hunters, because every room they go in they think is cold. 


—Comedian Matt Weinhold

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the 
receptionist suggested 
I use their website.

Peter Serafinowicz

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

—Mitch Hedberg