You Can’t Forget That Face

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A beer in each hand.

My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you’re off it.

I finally heard some good news. I’m not overweight. I’m undertall. What a relief!

You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.

I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.

Stephen Colbert