Things just aren't going to work out between us. It's not you, it's me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can't stop cheating on you.
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Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: He went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn’t want to gain weight in the wrong places?
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
I know it’s three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
Q. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A. A desserter.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.