Did You Dye Your Beard?

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

—Johnny Carson

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it.

—Comedian Jay London

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

—Chris Rock

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

Jon Stewart

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

—@RickCouchman

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?

A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Jay Leno