Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers

I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.

Comedian Dan Burt

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.

—@ClarkeKant

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano

Sam Grittner

Maybe fear is God’s way of saying, “Pay attention, this could be fun.”

—Craig Ferguson

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.”

—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.

—@KeatingThomas

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.

—Craig Ferguson