Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your … Read More
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake is for.
—@ShiraSelko
Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could totally eat off this table.
Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
@thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are… Read More
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
