Couch Potatoes, Take Heart
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
@longwall26
More Jokes
When Relatives Attack
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers
My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
@KenJennings
The Taste of Wicker
Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat.
@1CarParade (Jason Gelles)
Game Respect Game
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
@NicCageMatch
Tip from an Office Drone
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
—@9to5Life
Clean Your Plate
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
@PaulyPeligroso
Magician
I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.