I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
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So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important
to teach them that there’s no a in
Humorist Aaron Fullerton
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy.
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.