I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
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Q: Where does a king keep his armies?A: In his sleevies!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
Hate to break it to you,
Facebook, but the entire Internet
is already a Dislike button.