I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.
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Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?A. "Nice belt!"
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?”
No, I shave my photos.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.