I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That's why I can't lose weight.
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Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
“I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.”—@sbellelauren
Q: What do vegan zombies eat?
D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?
Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A beer in each hand.
I’m on day 2 of a “diet” which means I’m always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don’t know, but where do you get your protein!?