Late night munchies
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If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
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User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
Equations are the devil’s sentences.
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
from You’re Better Than Me
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
Submitted by reader D. T.
One time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, “Here’s a picture
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
It was so hot in Beverly Hills,
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth