Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should’ve been more specific.
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?”
No, I shave my photos.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.