Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
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A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."
Q: What do you call an old snowman?
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Something very sad about the fact that I haven’t read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard …
or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.