Nacho Diet

I know it’s three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.

I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat.  It’s watching what other people eat.

1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon

I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.

Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A: You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

Things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.