The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying "I ate nachos," I say "I accidentally ate nachos."
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I know it’s three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.
I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A: You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.