When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
My kitchen floor is sticky, and
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
Comedian Sean O’Connor
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?A. "Nice belt!"
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
When the Air Force deployed me overseas, my daughter’s friend asked her where I was headed. "Guantánamo Bay," my daughter said. "Oh, my God!" her friend shrieked. "What did he do?"