Never Lose A Tank
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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
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Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
When it comes
to candy bars, the term fun-sized
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are:
Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.
When I spotted a Navy captain
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.
The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”
“What… Read More
“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation