I'm on day 2 of a "diet" which means I'm always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
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Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.
“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
“If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting.”—@JimGaffigan
Diet tip: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
When someone asks me if I quit my diet… not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.