When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
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You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
Triscuit is the perfect
combination of cracker and doormat.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.