Snooping Spouse

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment…

I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, but he stood me up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned.

“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.

“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”

Art Flagel, Benton Harbor, Michigan

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.

@Ristolable

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)