My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
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Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as
I answer the phone “Hello?”