After 12 years of therapy,
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”
Comedian Ronnie Shakes
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So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.
—Franklin P. Jones
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.