I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
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During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was … Read More
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
—@shawnries
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
—Elayne Boosler
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
—@9to5Life
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
@bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral… Read More
