Steven Wright on Language Tapes

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant… Read More

Velcro – what a rip-off!

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share 
the most embarrassing times they got caught.

“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my… Read More

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?

—Bill Cosby

Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things 
in the world: small portions and sharing 
with anybody.

—@EireannDolan

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.