Steven Wright on Language Tapes

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

—Joan Rivers

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.

Conan O’Brien

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard.

Andy Borowitz

I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

Why was the opera singer arrested? He got into treble.

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?