Steven Wright on Language Tapes

A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
@Keatingthomas

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

@PeachCoffin

This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.

Demetri Martin

Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house.

—@juliussharpe

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant… Read More

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.

—Mindy Kaling