Steven Wright on Language Tapes

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.

@shutupmikeginn

I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for 
how lazy I am.

Tim Siedell

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.

—Burt Bacharach

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

—Groucho Marx

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

Bob Hope