Stick to One Serving

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.

Diet tip: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: He went back four seconds.

1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon

I’m not vegetarian because I love animals. I’m vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.