Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard …
or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.