The Real Reason For Shaving Cream

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.

Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

Betsy Salkind

Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?”

—Comedian Bob Marley

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the 
receptionist suggested 
I use their website.

Peter Serafinowicz

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.

—Craig Ferguson

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

@ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.

Source: propilots.org

The office Christmas party 
is a great opportunity to catch up 
with people you haven’t seen for 
20 minutes.

@juliussharpe