The Real Reason For Shaving Cream

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables

Parks and Recreation

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?

—Bill Cosby

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.

—Mindy Kaling