The Real Reason For Shaving Cream

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.

—Daniel J. Boorstin

Never eat more than you can lift.

—Miss Piggy

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”

I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?

Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

—Zach Galifianakis

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

Jimmy Kimmel

Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
@SCbchbum

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

Betsy Salkind