Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.”
Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail
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Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.” —A burp to a sneeze
Comedian Andrew Hibbard
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
Triscuit is the perfect
combination of cracker and doormat.
Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy.
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com