Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Potato Bag Strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for...

Can’t Come to Class

My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or...

Made My Own Grandkids

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife,...

A to A+

The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. —David Bez

Free Maps

Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees...

Overheard at the Health Club

Things I overheard at my health club: “I’m only taking this class so I don’t eat for an hour.” “Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?” “Does this...

Made of Copper

When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. “Look at that. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf...

Steps for Mommy

One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this...

At the Dollar Store

During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got...

Stolen Calendar

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. —Submitted by Alex Del Bene

Librarian Be a Bookkeeper

Could a ... ... librarian be called a bookkeeper? ... referee be a game warden? ... dairyman be a cowboy? ... cabinetmaker be the president? —Submitted by J. Lee

Answers on My Hand

Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an...

Second to Admit

“I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author

A Dead Man’s Credit

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put...

Pleats Will Come Back

I loved the dress that I bought at a flea market. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. I wore it confidently to an evening...

Shoot Around It

Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around...

Plenty of Time in the Army

During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a...

No One Thinks You’re Funny

What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no...

Legs on the Table

My dad used to sing little ditties. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. She danced on the dining room table. Her face grew red, When...

It Left Its Tracks

Here’s my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. And each time, I’d...

Screw My Cap On

If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap...

Cheer For the Other Team

My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game...

The Same Jokes

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his...

Easter Bunny

If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist...

Turning the Lights Green

My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. “What’s this for?” I asked. “It’s to turn red...

Carrying Grain

When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band was Hall & Oates, and this...

Or What?

My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say,...

Counted Their Legs

As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. He replied,...

These Will Fit!

When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took...

Oh No, Peanut Butter

My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no,...

The Phone is For You

One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for...

Are You Dunn?

I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. She discovered...

Seedless Watermelon

Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher...

Pup Out of Gas

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog...

Money in My Account

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into...

Virus or Something Else

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...

Nitpicker

To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency...

He Can Do It Himself

It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I’d...

No Hair Salon or Cleaning

Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my...

Lexus or Acura

My husband can’t activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested. The...

Sirs and Mamas

My granddaughter’s husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his...

Aloha Laugh

What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha. —Kenneth Gomez

Turn Off the Lights

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. —Comedian Matin Atrushi

Rope Will Help You Curse

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard...

My Newspaper Was Different

A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. “We don’t have an ad in the paper today,”...

How Fast?

Scene: A sports store. Customer: Do you have jogging shorts? Me: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? —Stephanie Chapman

Without Her Man

When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her...

Learn to Whistle

Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. I was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer...

Apple and Oranges

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries

A Great Uncle

The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. What...

Young and Bad

I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” —F. M., via rd.com

Looking Forward to Your Death

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m...

Make Me a Sandwich

My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make...

I Want the Left Side

As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. “No, I...

Served in Baltimore

My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked...

Rattle Snake

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you...

Sluggish Snail

Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? A: He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.

The Worst Thesaurus

Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Fred: How bad is it? Ed: Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

Hell vs. He’ll

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. —Constance Normandeau

Village Idiom

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. —Albert Sloan

Previously Beautiful

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised...

Bring it Back Tomorrow

A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. The customer,...

Expired 18

“Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was...

Not the Hair Salon

An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “Is this the salon near the fire station?”...

I Have Your Phone

On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. I needn’t have worried. He saw my phone on...

Funny Headline

Headline from the Seattle PostIntelligencer: “Mom Warns Son to ‘Watch Out for Idiots,’ Rear‑Ends His Motorcycle.”

At the Bar

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Bartender: Three dollars. Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi...

Items in the Closet

After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you,...

Overboard

Our boatswain’s mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an...

Dog Smarts

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me...

First Day of Retirement

My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The woman quickly learned...

Meet the Genius

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very...

We’ll Need a Therapist

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when...