“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his…
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of…
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place…
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
- Animal Jokes
- Animal Puns
- Bad Puns
- Bar Jokes
- Birthday Jokes
- Cat Jokes
- Cat Puns
- Christmas Jokes
- Coffee Jokes
- Computer Jokes
- Corny Jokes
- Customer Service Jokes
- Cute Puns
- Dad Jokes
- Daily Life Jokes
- Diet Jokes
- Doctor Jokes
- Dog Jokes
- Dog Puns
- Dumb and Funny Jokes
- Easter Jokes
- Family Jokes
- Food Jokes
- Food Puns
- Funny Headlines
- Funny Quotes
- Funny Stories
- Halloween Jokes for Kids
- Holiday Jokes
- Kids’ Jokes
- Knock-Knock Jokes
- Lawyer Jokes
- Love Jokes
- Marriage Jokes
- Math Jokes
- Math Puns
- Military Jokes
- Mom Jokes
- Money Jokes
- Music Puns
- Office Jokes
- Old Age Jokes
- Political Jokes
- Relationship Jokes
- Religious Jokes
- Santa Jokes
- School Jokes
- Science Jokes
- Skeleton Puns
- Sports Jokes
- Text Jokes
- Thanksgiving Jokes
- Travel Jokes
- Turkey Jokes
- Valentine’s Day Jokes
- Weather Jokes
- Weight Loss Jokes
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his…
After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She…
A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears…
I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day,…
Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told…
I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back,…
After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out…
My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress…
Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our…
As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the…
When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear…
While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the…
A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it…
Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look…
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration?
A: She draws a blank.
Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert….
Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning…
Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.
Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: How does the solar system organize a party?
A: They planet!
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What is the best way to cook a gator?
A: In a crock-pot
Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
A: I’m so over you!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
I’ve reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.
Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.
Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans,…
My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting…
Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat…
A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says,…
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears…
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?
A: One was a salted!
Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A. A meltdown!
Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
A. I guess we’ll just have to make dew.
A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The…
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. “What’ll you have”? “Nothing for me, I’m the driver.”
At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated,…
Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”
A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went…
As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?” “Yes,” I answered. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. “No. He’s…
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was…
Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?
A: A Fender bender.
Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle’s back?
Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
A: Because she was stuffed.
A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”! “Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed…
Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the…
Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor…
Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk?
One said to the other, “You’re fine, How am I?”
An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why…
During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he…
It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, “Where are you from?” “St. Louis,” I…
Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”
I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Me: Hello? Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there? Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang…
In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just…
I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.
I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Me: Yes. Nurse: When? Me:…
A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t…
The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge. “Look,” he said, “we really don’t need…
Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up….
RIP boiling water—you will be mist.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.