Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school?
A: They were dead even.

Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind?
A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.

Q: Why was the dead man not living well?
A: Because he was dead broke.

Q: Why was the dead man not courageous?
A: Because he had cold feet.

Q: Why was the dead man insensitive?
A: Because he had a cold heart.

Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?
A: Because she was frigid.

Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter?
A: Because he was a deadbeat.

Q: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

A: European!

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer?
A: Because he was rotten to the core.

Q: What is a dead man’s favorite magazine?
A: Life

Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial?
A: Because they gave him life.

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars.  He asked the pastor, “Who are these people?”  The pastor said, “Those are members from our church who died in the service.”  The boy asked, “The early service or the second service?”

Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?

A: A Carpet

Q: Why shouldn’t you visit an expensive wig shop?

A: It’s too high a price ‘toupee.’

Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?

A: Because it came out of the pen.

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

—William Petersen

I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said, “Am I keeping you from something?”

I replied, “I have to leave for tai chi.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding intrigued. “What country is that in?”

—Linda Platt

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”

—Aaron Webster

A musician friend is always upbeat. But when she developed ringing in one ear, I was concerned it might overwhelm even her. When I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician, she shook her head.

“Not really,” she said cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

—Kathleen Cahill, in Reader’s Digest Asia

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

—kinsleylaw.com

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”

—Submitted by G.C. via mail

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

—Steven Wright, comedian

A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

—friarsclub.com

Q. What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?
A. “I guess you had to be there.”

Q. How do you know when the moon is broke?
A. When it’s down to its last quarter.

Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon?
A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.

Q. Why is a moon rock tastier than an Earth rock?
A. It’s a little meteor.

My neighbor texted me, “I just made synonym buns!”

I texted back, “You mean like grammar use to make?”
I haven’t heard from her since.

A friend took her son to the doctor’s office after he sprained his finger. The nurse applied a splint, only to be told she’d put it on the wrong finger.

“I’m sorry,” she said.
“That’s OK,” my friend’s son said. “You were only off by one digit.”

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow.
“What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep.
“Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.
He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”

Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, “You had a good night dancing last night, huh?”

I stopped off at the super­market to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would be tacky on a gift, so I asked the man behind the counter for a marker to black out the price. Didn’t work—you could still see the price through the ink.

“I know what to do,” the man said. “I’ll cover it up.”And with that, he slapped a sticker over the price that read “$2.98 Day Old.”

Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

A: They just wash up on shore.

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg.

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the
doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?”

“Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient.
Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.”
“No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with my left hand.”

Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship?
A: The poop deck.

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured.
“I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each.”

“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.”
“No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”

Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says.
His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, “That’s a mirror.”

A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull’s nose. Intrigued, she asked, “Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born that way?”

After I paid for my items in an adorable Italian shop, the salesperson smiled and said “Grazie,” Italian for “thank you.” My Italian isn’t very good, but I knew that the Italian word for “you’re welcome” was the same as the name of a spaghetti sauce. So I confidently replied “Ragú!” and walked out of the store. A few blocks later, it hit me: I had the wrong spaghetti sauce. “You’re welcome” is prego.

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.
One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. “Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

On a fishing trip to a remote lake in Northern Quebec, I asked the outfitter, “Do you stay here during the winter?”
“No,” he said. “The snow gets too deep. We can’t get supplies in. Like many Canadians, I go south for the winter.”
“Oh,” I said. “Where do you go?”
“Vermont.”

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked.
“No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her
class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn.

Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, “How do you know her hair color is auburn?”
Her student replied, “Because that’s what it says on the box.”

After my kids bragged about what levels they’d attained in a video game, I decided to give it a try. Soon, it was my turn to boast that, in spite of being a newbie, I’d already managed to get to level 11. That’s when my youngest son pointed out that the “11” I was seeing on the screen was actually the game’s pause button.

My mother and I  suffered through an overlong, confusing movie at an art theater. Apparently we were not the only dissatisfied patrons. Walking back to our car afterward, we overheard a man complain to his wife, “We left the dog home alone for that?”

On our commute to work, my husband stopped at a convenience store for coffee. As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd.

“Turn your head and look at me,” I said. “You have a Q-tip sticking out of your ear.”

As he pulled it out, he replied, “No wonder the guy in there asked me if I was getting good reception.”

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!

How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” the officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

“Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you’ll be cured,” the psychiatrist assures him.

The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so he says he’ll think about it.Six months later, the two meet on the street.

“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” asks the psychiatrist.

“Because a bartender cured me for only $10.”“How?”“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office.
“I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.”

“Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist.

The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.”

I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly hit the siren and pulled him over. “Why did you drive through the red light?” I asked him.

“I didn’t,” he said.

“I saw you.”

He shook his head. “I went through between the blinks.”

The new busboy was just 16, and because it was his first job, we were all impressed with how well he had done on his first day. Which is why we were surprised the next day when he didn’t show up for his shift. Then, an hour late, he came running in, red-faced and breathless. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said. “I forgot I had a job.”

As we drove into Traverse City, Michigan, we were greeted by a billboard advertising a restaurant in town. Its claim: “Steaks bigger than an 8th Street pothole.”

Apartment life often means little privacy. I realized that one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom, climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting ready for work. I finally exploded at the kitten: “You’d better sit down; you’re getting on my nerves!”
A second later, a voice from upstairs responded, “OK!”

My three-year-old grandson asked his mother whether his younger brother used to be in her stomach.

“Yes,” she said.

“How did he get there?” he asked.

“I’ll tell you when you’re a little older.”

“Just tell me this,” he said, concerned. “Did you eat him?”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”

Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?”

Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”

Pharmacist: “WHAT?”

Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!”

Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”

Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”

Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music

Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well?

A: Just a brief moment!

Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?

A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

“What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!

Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?

A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric exams, he was given a discharge. He rode his Hog to the main gate, propped it up on its invisible stand and walked out. “Hey,” called the gate guard. “You forgot your bike.”

“No,” replied the draftee, “I’m leaving it for the next guy who wants to get out.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter’s wedding. The driver said,
“Don’t count on it. I’m the groom.”

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.

“Good news is you have 48 hours to live,” he said to Harry. “Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.”