After doing some DIY projects around the house, I have a new motto: Do your best to do things right the first few times. —Thomas Ngo

As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.” Keith Chambers

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. “We’re sorry, ma’am. We’ll send your costume tomorrow,” the representative said. “In the meantime, feel free to keep the Lady Godiva costume you got by mistake.” —Karen Atanasoff

Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. “I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said. “It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.” —George Mahathy

Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by the military police, who asked for my letter from public affairs. “But I am public affairs,” I said. “Without a letter from public affairs, we’ll have to take your camera.” I did the only thing I could do: I pulled a notepad and pen from my bag and wrote a letter giving myself permission to take photos. The MPs read the letter, saluted, and left. —Joe Macri 

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” —Submitted by Arthur Bland 

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. —Gary Delaney, comedian

At an event famous for giving out awards in bizarre categories, the emcee enthusiastically announces, “The next prize will go to the laziest person in the audience. If you think you qualify, raise your hand.” Everyone raises their hands except a middle-aged man who seems to show little interest. “Congratulations! You are the winner,” says the emcee to the man. “Your prize is this $100 bill!” Still showing no emotion, the man replies, “Would you mind coming over here and putting it in my pocket?” —Submitted by José J. Zuluaga 

Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?” —Julie Echelmeier

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.” —Webb Smith 

I had a chance encounter with a pastor who told me about a wonderful event held at his church. “We had a singing group the other day that performed without instruments,” he said. “A cappella?” I asked. He shrugged. “I don’t remember the name of the group.” —Wade Hampton 

Our fourth grader celebrated his birthday on crutches, so he couldn’t carry the cupcakes into school without help. I asked our sixth-grader, Noah, to help his brother carry them in. “I could,” he said, “but I’d prefer not to.” Spotting a teaching moment, my husband asked Noah, “What would Jesus do?” Noah answered, “Jesus would heal him so he could carry his own cupcakes.” —Rachel Nichols

I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.” —A.H. via rd.com

Tanned, relaxed, and unshaven, I landed at the Denver airport after returning from my bucolic Caribbean vacation. As the customs agent handed my passport back to me, she cheerily welcomed me home by declaring, “Back to reality for you!” —Bruce Neal

I called the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing ... —Submitted by E.M. via rd.com

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord!” he said again, and the horse began to trot. “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” he yelled, and the horse broke into a gallop. Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn’t notice the cliff he and the horse were about to go over. Bill shouted “AMEN!” at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, Bill said, “Phew! Praise the Lord!” —Submitted by Z.S. via rd.com

It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first shot. “Good news and bad news,” my instructor said. “The good news: You got a bull’s eye.” Before my head could swell too much, he added, “But it was in somebody else’s target.” —Gene Newman

During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, “There’s been a jeep explosion. What would you do if you came upon an injured man with a steering wheel embedded in his chest?” Nervous and unsure, I blurted out, “Drive him to the hospital?” For some reason, the rest of the room found this hilarious. —Greg White

As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.” —Emily Murphy

I asked the kids in my nursery school class what they needed in order to grow up nice and strong. One little girl answered, “Birthdays!” —Abigail George 

On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.” —Glen Zeider

If I ever voiced disapproval of a photo of myself, my mother always had a ready reply: “Want a better picture? Get a better face.” —Maria Zagorski

Suffering from an unsightly scaly rash, my friend Denise made an appointment with a dermatologist who happened to be very attractive. After a full examination, the doctor cocked his head and asked, “Denise, did you get your hair done?” “Why, yes. Thank you for noticing,” said Denise, flattered. “I thought so,” the doctor replied. “Because your scalp looks red and irritated.” —Sandy Hagglund

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!” —Thomas Hassmann 

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my five-year-old granddaughter threw in her two cents. “I can see why it would be dangerous to drink and drive,” she said. “The straw could go up your nose.” —Marlene L. Banwart 

My husband and his sister are notorious yakkers. They can hold court on any subject. One day, he called her. All he had to say was “Hi,” and that launched her into a marathon session, going on about this, that, and the other. When she finally paused to come up for air, she had one question: “Who am I talking to?” —Christine Hohman 

As A.J. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, “Those who laughed, get down and give me 20!” A.J. and some others fell to the ground quickly and did their push-ups. Meanwhile, the sergeant glared at the others. “As for the rest of you, get down and give me 40 for lying!” —S.C. via mail

While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber for protection. Their one extravagance: a bare light bulb they’d hung from the “ceiling.” One guy was reading a newspaper article from back home about a congressional investigation into why some troops were living in relative luxury. The guy put down the paper, turned to my friend, and said, “Well, there goes the light bulb.” —James Valouch 

Our company gives out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a retiree called to ask, “What time do the turkeys get in?” The receptionist, without thinking, responded, “Everyone starts at eight.” —Ed Robinson

Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.” Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

Guy staring at an ambulance in front of Whole Foods: “Somebody must have accidentally eaten gluten.”

I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. —Kumail Nanjiani, comedian

At our weekly Bible study, the leader asked an elderly gentleman, Walt, to open the meeting with prayer. Walt did so in a soft voice. Another man, straining to hear, shouted, “I can’t hear you!” Walt replied, “I wasn’t talking to you.” —Richard Steussy

I was waiting at a small train station when a man put up a sign regarding my train: “30-Minute Delay.” “What happened?” I asked. “The train went off the rails,” he said. “How long will that take to fix?” “Quite a few hours.” “So why put up a sign saying it would take 30 minutes?” “It’s the only sign we have.” —James Joy

Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” —Sue Connor

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never mind,” and rang me up. —Andrea Price

My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?” —Yefim M. Brodd

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way out and asked, “What are your hours?” Her reply: “Right now, six to nine because I’m in school. But next month it will be full-time.” —Darlene Query

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time. Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until morning. —J.C.

It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. —Roy Blount, humorist

According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. —Crystal Lowery

My three-year-old son: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Me: You can be anything you want. Son: (after a few seconds) I think I’ll be a mother. —Mary Lahl

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, my daughter asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which have simple sugars and salt.” My daughter liked that. “Oh,” she said, “like a margarita?” —Kaaryn Roberts

A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed. “Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!” Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!” The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?” —Submitted by Norman Middleton

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant. “Why should I pay someone to shovel?” he demanded. “I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!” —David Groeschel

Our booking office had three phones. One day during lunch, I was responsible for answering all of them. It was a constant repeat of “May I help you?” or “Will you hold?” I guess I got confused because I surprised one man on the other end of the line when I answered his call with, “May I hold you?” —Vera Granger

Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called an ambulance to whisk him off to the hospital. There, doctors performed their own tests. But those came back negative. After some quick sleuthing, the problem was solved: The first doctor had read the EKG upside down. —Suzanne Clarke

Spotted on a business marquee in Tacoma, Washington: MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN, SO I DID. —K.H.

After pulling three double shifts in a row, my brother Billy, a hotel clerk, was worn out. On one of his few breaks, he went to the hotel restaurant to grab a bite. When his food came, Billy, his mind in a fog, bowed his head for the blessing and whispered these words to God: “Good evening, Holiday Inn, how can I help you?” —Bob Cook

A coworker once showed up to the office in a white wedding dress with a crinoline, beading—the works. When our manager asked why she’d worn her wedding dress to the office, my coworker replied, “I was out of clean clothes and didn’t feel like doing laundry.” —Lauren Emily on Facebook, via buzzfeed.com

While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my officer’s dress blue uniform. Once at the club, I drove up to the entrance, where the doorman promptly came to the passenger door and assisted my wife out of the car. He then made his way to my side. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, “The band entrance is that way.” —Gordon Van Otteren

Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told we’d find a clipboard with our names on it. “Next to your name,” the sergeant said, “initial it.” Everyone seemed OK with this order except for one confused recruit. “Sergeant,” he said, “what if we don’t have any initials?” —Matthew Nazarian

People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. —Hannibal Buress, comedian

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.” —Gerald E. Bronnenberg

After my beloved dog Lucky passed away, my daughter tried to explain to her four-year-old son what had happened in terms he might understand. “Remember that baby bird we found on the sidewalk the other day?” she asked. As the truth sank in, Ian grew alarmed: “Lucky fell out of a tree?” —Laurie Navin

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. —Mark Simmons, comedian

Little League is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. —Yogi Berra, Yankees Catcher

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything. —Toby Harrah, Rangers Shortstop

You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? —Jim Bouton, Yankees Pitcher

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? —Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher

A scientist who made contact with aliens said, “They’re nothing like us—all they keep saying is ‘Err. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. “To err is human.” —Submitted by Steve Smith

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the pastor, “Who are these people?” The pastor said, “Those are members from our church who died in service.” The boy asked, “The early service or the second service?” —Submitted by James Powers

Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

Q: How are a cat and a sentence different? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch this," says the brunette. She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out. The blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss. The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A: A stick.

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? A: Quattro sinko.

Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day. Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle...