My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
Our eight-year-old daughter: “Are you saying that George Washington didn’t invent the toilet?”
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Turning to me with some urgency, my sleeping husband stated, “I have to do the cat’s taxes!”
My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions…
As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for…
I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to…
When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?” My father shrugged. “Probably the same…
Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”
Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was…
The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other…
Upon finding a clearly plagiarized paper, I called the student into my office. Pointing to my computer screen, I said, “I found your entire paper online. Do you have anything…
I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle…
A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to…
I’m known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled…
Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide. “Each year, the upperclassmen ask the…
I was stationed in England with the Air Force when I went to a local barber. I told him that I had a date that night and asked for a…
How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as “when the baby has boots on the…
I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put…
At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?” “Gold!” one…
I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change…
A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and…
In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring…
A friend paid my mother a visit. Later, I spoke with Mom. “I was very nervous,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because he’s a captain in the Air Force.” “Mother,…
An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate…
My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato.
After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.” My mother, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years…
I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for…
My 11-year-old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: “Have you heard of the version Mary?”
One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked…
My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD. “No,” said the teen. “We…
When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will…
As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second…
It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half…
A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.” “Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.” “I will. I’m just here to…
Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?
A: Chairman Meow.
Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
A: All the red flags.
Q: Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”
Living in rural Minnesota, I find driving through crowded Minneapolis difficult. “I have trouble figuring out when to turn and what lane to be in,” I complained to my grandson….
Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband. “What’s my…
My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.” “But Aunt Marie,”…
An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the…
My father was serving in a port city in post–World War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo….
My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned….
Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered. “Hi,”…
I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When…
My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it…
Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other?
A: They were dead ringers.
Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man?
A: He had dead aim.
Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have?
A: He gave you the cold shoulder.
Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school?
A: They were dead even.
Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind?
A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.
Q: Why was the dead man not living well?
A: Because he was dead broke.
Q: Why was the dead man not courageous?
A: Because he had cold feet.
Q: Why was the dead man insensitive?
A: Because he had a cold heart.
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?
A: Because she was frigid.
Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter?
A: Because he was a deadbeat.
Q: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer?
A: Because he was rotten to the core.
Q: What is a dead man’s favorite magazine?
Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial?
A: Because they gave him life.
In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the…
Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A: A Carpet
Q: Why shouldn’t you visit an expensive wig shop?
A: It’s too high a price ‘toupee.’
Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
A: Because it came out of the pen.
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said,…
My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?”…