Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?

A: One was a salted!

Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?

A. A meltdown!

Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?

A. I guess we’ll just have to make dew.

A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?”

And the man responded, “Yale.”

The manager hired him and the guy said, “Thanks. I needed a yob.”

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. “What’ll you have”? “Nothing for me, I’m the driver.”

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated, he left.

A few minutes later, I passed him outside the office on the phone.“Hey, Dad,” he said. “What’s Mom’s first name?”

Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went into labor, I happened to drive by her house, wondering what she’d had. A sign on the front porch gave me my answer: “It’s an Uncle!”

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“Maybe I have that.”

I shook my head. “No. He’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.

“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”

“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.

“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.

Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”

Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?

A: A Fender bender.

Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle’s back?

A: Wheeee!

Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

A: Because she was stuffed.

A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”!

“Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed the letter, but didn’t write anything else!”

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”

Bill got on the horse and said “praise the Lord.” the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord” and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: “AMEN.” The horse stops and Bill says: “Whew! Praise the lord!”

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies.  A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat.  “What are you doing?” asked Fred.
Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out.  I can’t find it.”
Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now.  “But I’ve got to”, said Sam, “my teeth are in it!”

Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk?

One said to the other, “You’re fine, How am I?”

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why did you do that?” ……

“Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun,” the elephant said.

“Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?”

“Well I have turtle recall,” replied the elephant.

During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he handed me a cookbook and instructed, “Follow the directions carefully.”

Not long after, I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came in, grabbed a spoon, and took a taste. “This is really good,” he said. “Are you sure you followed the recipe?”

It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked,

“Where are you from?”

“St. Louis,” I grumbled.

“Hey, I’m from St. Louis too!” he said.

He then asked conspiratorially, “Do you want to keep your sideburns?”I perked up.

“Sure!”With that, he revved up the razor, clipped off my sideburns, and gave them to me.

As I left the barbershop with sideburns in hand, I heard him ask his next victim, “Where are you from?”

“Chicago.”

“Hey, I’m from Chicago too!”

Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”

I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland.

Me: Hello?

Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?

Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang up. R-i-i-ing!)

Caller: Sgt. Rodrigues?

Me: Still the wrong number.

Caller: Do you have his right number? There’s a post recall and he has to go to work.

Me: No, I don’t. (Hang up. And …)second

Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?

Me: No. There’s a post recall and he went to work.

Caller: OK. Thanks.

In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just backspace.”

I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?

A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t having it. I say that because the man finally declared in a loud, exasperated voice, “No, I don’t want to talk to the dog!”

The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge.

“Look,” he said, “we really don’t need to determine who is responsible for this mess. We just want someone to take the blame.”

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.
“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned.

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

RIP boiling water—you will be mist.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Our eight-year-old daughter: “Are you saying that George Washington didn’t invent the toilet?”

Turning to me with some urgency, my sleeping husband stated, “I have to do the cat’s taxes!”

My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions or answers for the project.”

As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for dessert?”

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”

When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?”

My father shrugged. “Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go to the bathroom.”

Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake.

“It’s just something coaches do,” I said.

“It’s not personal.”

His response was hard to argue with: “If it’s not personal, then why do they use your name?”

The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper. He categorically denied doing so. That led to my next question: “Then why is this in French?”

Upon finding a clearly plagiarized paper, I called the student into my office. Pointing to my computer screen, I said, “I found your entire paper online. Do you have anything you want to say about that?”

Her angry response: “Well, I paid my sister to write it, but I didn’t think she’d plagiarize!”

I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle tone.”

Later, I added, “another colleague and I designed a system to allow merchants to print coupons at the cash register.” Thinking that all this technical talk was confusing, I asked if there were any questions.

There was one: “What’s a colleague?”

A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents.

“Thank you,” she said.

“I’m going to think of you every time I use this paper.”

I’m known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply: “Must be dephective.”

Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.

“Each year, the upper­classmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard,” he said.

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked.

The guide replied, “One.”

I was stationed in England with the Air Force when I went to a local barber. I told him that I had a date that night and asked for a very close shave. After working his magic, the barber exclaimed, “There you go, Yank. If you want it any closer than that, you’ll have to bite ’em off from the inside.”

How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as “when the baby has boots on the ground.”

I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put on my pants!

At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?”
“Gold!” one child yelled.“Frankincense!” shouted another. After a pause, a third asked, “Gift cards?”

I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change customers had dropped during the night. Years later, as an adult, I found out that my father would throw a few coins over the bar for us to find in the morning. It cost him only a dollar a day to have us fight to be the first one to clean the bar.

A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and said, “I’ll be right back.” He ran off, only to ­return a minute later with a second jug of wine and another bouquet of roses.

“Two girlfriends?” I asked.“No,” he said. “Just one really angry one.”

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30.
“You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a ­million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!”

“Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”

A friend paid my mother a visit. Later, I spoke with Mom.
“I was very nervous,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because he’s a captain in the Air Force.”

“Mother, as you know, I, too, am a captain in the Air Force.”

“Yes,” she said. “And you also make me nervous when you visit.”

An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull’s interest.

A few weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend, who asked, “How’s that bull?”

“Great!” said the farmer. “The bull is back to his former frisky self.”

“That’s fantastic. What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “But it tastes like licorice.”

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato.

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”
My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for sale. Eventually, he found something that interested him. “Excuse me,” he said. “How much for the dog?”

My 11-year-old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: “Have you heard of the version Mary?”

One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked up an oyster, examined it, and commented, “They remind me of infected tonsils.”And that’s the story of how he ended up eating the entire plate of oysters himself.

My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD.
“No,” said the teen. “We have a Toyota.”

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”

As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second Marine Division, General.” Then there was one young private. When the general asked, “Which outfit are you in?” the Marine replied, “Dress blues, sir, with medals!”

It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half of the password: “George!”
I waited for whoever it was to prove he was an American and reply with the countersign, “Marshall.” Instead, silence.“George!!” Again, no reply. I lifted up my rifle and gave it one last try: “George!!!”An angry voice finally replied, “My name ain’t George!”

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.