In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.

My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively.

“Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.”

I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day, but he was quite scrupulous, as evidenced by the fact that his written evaluation of me cited this issue: “Instructor loses eye contact with class while writing on blackboard.”

Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. He then added confidentially, “We’ve already been through three escorts. You’re the only one I can think of she won’t be able to drink under the table.”

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.”

She grumbled back, “There’s a last time for everything too.”

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened. “But don’t worry,” I said with a grin. “I’m leaving my son for collateral.”

She looked at him. He winked at her. She turned back to me. “What else you got?”

Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our order to go. After writing it all down, the girl behind the register asked, “Will that be all for you?”

“No,” I replied a bit defensively. “Some of it’s for my husband.”

As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. Sidling right up to the student, the speaker shouted in his ear, “What would you do for a patient in the event of a nuclear war?!”
My startled classmate sat up and responded, “Place a temporary filling, sir!”

When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear neatly laid out on a table. But something struck me as odd.

Picking up some unidentifiable gear, I said, “I didn’t get one of these!”

“Ummm … no, you’re good,” he mumbled. “That’s my wife’s breast pump.”

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”

His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague.

“I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it began with an s.”

“Was it Caesar’s?”

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?”

I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.”

“Are you sure? You look just like someone I know named Mary.”

“Well, I hope she’s young and skinny.”

“No,” he said, settling into his chair. “She looks like you.”

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration?

A: She draws a blank.

Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert. After scanning the display case, I settled on a dozen pound-cake cupcakes. The clerk’s pleasant response: “Is that for here or to go?”

Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning baking products?”

I patted her hand reassuringly and said, “That’s vaping products.”

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender.

“I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.

Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?

A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: How does the solar system organize a party?

A: They planet!

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

Q: What is the best way to cook a gator?

A: In a crock-pot

Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

A: I’m so over you!

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I’ve reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.

Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.

Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans, she yelled, “I did it, Mom! I pooped in the toilet! I pooped on the floor too! But I’ll clean it! Oh, I stepped in it!”
There was an uncomfortable silence as I realized the doctor had heard every word. “Ha ha,” I laughed nervously. “Do you have kids?”

“No,” he said, “and I never will.”

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting the CEO’s office. When I described it to a ­coworker as “I’m a jack of all trades, master of none,” I was amused, yet slightly offended, when she offered a less than complimentary interpretation from her native Cantonese: “Equipped with knives all over, yet none are very sharp.”

Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat down, gave them each a menu and a glass of water, and asked, “Would you care for anything else?”

A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says, “I think my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty.” The interviewer says, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.” The man then says, “I don’t give a #%^& what you think!”

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”

The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again “What’s for dinner?”

She turns around and says “For the THIRD time, beef stew!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?

A: One was a salted!

Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?

A. A meltdown!

Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?

A. I guess we’ll just have to make dew.

A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?”

And the man responded, “Yale.”

The manager hired him and the guy said, “Thanks. I needed a yob.”

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. “What’ll you have”? “Nothing for me, I’m the driver.”

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated, he left.

A few minutes later, I passed him outside the office on the phone.“Hey, Dad,” he said. “What’s Mom’s first name?”

Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went into labor, I happened to drive by her house, wondering what she’d had. A sign on the front porch gave me my answer: “It’s an Uncle!”

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“Maybe I have that.”

I shook my head. “No. He’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.

“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”

“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.

“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.

Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”

Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?

A: A Fender bender.

Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle’s back?

A: Wheeee!

Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

A: Because she was stuffed.

A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”!

“Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed the letter, but didn’t write anything else!”

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”

Bill got on the horse and said “praise the Lord.” the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord” and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: “AMEN.” The horse stops and Bill says: “Whew! Praise the lord!”

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies.  A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat.  “What are you doing?” asked Fred.
Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out.  I can’t find it.”
Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now.  “But I’ve got to”, said Sam, “my teeth are in it!”

Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk?

One said to the other, “You’re fine, How am I?”

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why did you do that?” ……

“Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun,” the elephant said.

“Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?”

“Well I have turtle recall,” replied the elephant.

During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he handed me a cookbook and instructed, “Follow the directions carefully.”

Not long after, I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came in, grabbed a spoon, and took a taste. “This is really good,” he said. “Are you sure you followed the recipe?”

It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked,

“Where are you from?”

“St. Louis,” I grumbled.

“Hey, I’m from St. Louis too!” he said.

He then asked conspiratorially, “Do you want to keep your sideburns?”I perked up.

“Sure!”With that, he revved up the razor, clipped off my sideburns, and gave them to me.

As I left the barbershop with sideburns in hand, I heard him ask his next victim, “Where are you from?”

“Chicago.”

“Hey, I’m from Chicago too!”

Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”

I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland.

Me: Hello?

Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?

Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang up. R-i-i-ing!)

Caller: Sgt. Rodrigues?

Me: Still the wrong number.

Caller: Do you have his right number? There’s a post recall and he has to go to work.

Me: No, I don’t. (Hang up. And …)second

Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?

Me: No. There’s a post recall and he went to work.

Caller: OK. Thanks.

In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just backspace.”

I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?

A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t having it. I say that because the man finally declared in a loud, exasperated voice, “No, I don’t want to talk to the dog!”

The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge.

“Look,” he said, “we really don’t need to determine who is responsible for this mess. We just want someone to take the blame.”

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.
“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned.

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

RIP boiling water—you will be mist.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.