Q: Why should you never date tennis players?
A: Love means nothing to them.

Q: How do you weigh a millennial?
A: In Instagrams.

Jenny: I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him.
Penny: Really?
Jenny: Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?
Ted: Brace yourself.

Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?
A: He lost his case.

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it.
Husband: My truck.

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars!
Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.

Q:  What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A:  A cab.

Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac.
Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all the symptoms.

Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book?
Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

Q: What kind of tree has a hand?
A: A palm tree.

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
A: Loafers.

Q: Why should you save your pennies?
A: It makes good cents.

Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm?
A: Corny ones.

Q: What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end?
A: A teapot.

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost

Q: What is a tree’s favorite soda?
A: Root Beer.

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn’t stop at the stop sign.

“It’s the same thing,” the lawyer stated, “I don’t believe there is a difference between stop and slow down.”

“Allow me to prove it to you,” the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.

After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, “Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?”

Q: Why doesn’t McDonald’s serve escargot?

A: It’s not fast food!

Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

A: They both got 6 months.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?”

The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign, but I didn’t see you.”

The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?” I replied, “You really want to know?” Then I dropped out of the race.

Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?

A: Wheeeeeeeee

I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent. Frazzled, I said, “Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?”

She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked.

“I’m a comedian,” I answered.

“Interesting.”

After a pause, he said, “Let’s get an impression—”

“It’s more observational humor, actually,” I interrupted. “I don’t do impressions.”

The dentist continued, “—of your teeth.”

I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put to rest one day while getting into formation, which was determined by height. Now, I was shy of six feet tall, but when our drill sergeant called for all six-footers to line up, I stepped forward anyway. I instantly knew I was in the right outfit when I looked around. I was the tallest guy in line.

Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee whether they still carried my deodorant. “No, we don’t,” she said. “It was always selling out, and I could never keep it in stock. So I quit ordering it.”

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge. “I’m terribly sorry,” said the waiter. “So you should be,” replied Fred. “Thanks to you, I’ve pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.”

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?”

“They have a place that manufactures them,” I answered. “It’s called the ‘olfactory.’”

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.

My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively.

“Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.”

I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day, but he was quite scrupulous, as evidenced by the fact that his written evaluation of me cited this issue: “Instructor loses eye contact with class while writing on blackboard.”

Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. He then added confidentially, “We’ve already been through three escorts. You’re the only one I can think of she won’t be able to drink under the table.”

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.”

She grumbled back, “There’s a last time for everything too.”

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened. “But don’t worry,” I said with a grin. “I’m leaving my son for collateral.”

She looked at him. He winked at her. She turned back to me. “What else you got?”

Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our order to go. After writing it all down, the girl behind the register asked, “Will that be all for you?”

“No,” I replied a bit defensively. “Some of it’s for my husband.”

As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. Sidling right up to the student, the speaker shouted in his ear, “What would you do for a patient in the event of a nuclear war?!”
My startled classmate sat up and responded, “Place a temporary filling, sir!”

When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear neatly laid out on a table. But something struck me as odd.

Picking up some unidentifiable gear, I said, “I didn’t get one of these!”

“Ummm … no, you’re good,” he mumbled. “That’s my wife’s breast pump.”

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”

His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague.

“I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it began with an s.”

“Was it Caesar’s?”

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?”

I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.”

“Are you sure? You look just like someone I know named Mary.”

“Well, I hope she’s young and skinny.”

“No,” he said, settling into his chair. “She looks like you.”

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration?

A: She draws a blank.

Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert. After scanning the display case, I settled on a dozen pound-cake cupcakes. The clerk’s pleasant response: “Is that for here or to go?”

Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning baking products?”

I patted her hand reassuringly and said, “That’s vaping products.”

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender.

“I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.

Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?

A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: How does the solar system organize a party?

A: They planet!

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

Q: What is the best way to cook a gator?

A: In a crock-pot

Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

A: I’m so over you!

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I’ve reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.

Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.

Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans, she yelled, “I did it, Mom! I pooped in the toilet! I pooped on the floor too! But I’ll clean it! Oh, I stepped in it!”
There was an uncomfortable silence as I realized the doctor had heard every word. “Ha ha,” I laughed nervously. “Do you have kids?”

“No,” he said, “and I never will.”

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting the CEO’s office. When I described it to a ­coworker as “I’m a jack of all trades, master of none,” I was amused, yet slightly offended, when she offered a less than complimentary interpretation from her native Cantonese: “Equipped with knives all over, yet none are very sharp.”

Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat down, gave them each a menu and a glass of water, and asked, “Would you care for anything else?”

A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says, “I think my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty.” The interviewer says, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.” The man then says, “I don’t give a #%^& what you think!”

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.”

The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again “What’s for dinner?”

She turns around and says “For the THIRD time, beef stew!”