I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly hit the siren and pulled him over. “Why did you drive through the red light?” 
I asked him.

“I didn’t,” he said.

“I saw you.”

He shook his head. “I went through 
between the blinks.”

The new busboy was 
just 16, and because 
it was his first job, we were all impressed 
with how well he had done on his first day. Which is why we were surprised the next day when he didn’t show up for his shift. Then, an hour late, he came running in, red-faced and breathless. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said. 
“I forgot I had a job.”

As we drove into Traverse City, Michigan, we were greeted by a billboard advertising a restaurant in town. Its claim: “Steaks 
bigger than an 8th Street pothole.”

Apartment life often means little privacy. 
I realized that one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom, climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting ready for work. I finally exploded 
at the kitten: “You’d 
better sit down; you’re getting on my nerves!”
A second later, a voice from upstairs 
responded, “OK!”

My three-year-old grandson asked his mother whether his younger brother used to be in her stomach.

“Yes,” she said.

“How did he get there?” he asked.

“I’ll tell you when you’re a little older.”

“Just tell me this,” he said, concerned. “Did you eat him?”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”

Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?”

Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”

Pharmacist: “WHAT?”

Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!”

Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”

Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”

Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music

Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well?

A: Just a brief moment!

Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?

A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

“What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!

Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?

A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric exams, he was given a discharge. He rode his Hog to the main gate, propped it up on its invisible stand and walked out. “Hey,” called the gate guard. “You forgot your bike.”

“No,” replied the draftee, “I’m leaving it for the next guy who wants to get out.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter’s wedding. The driver said,
“Don’t count on it. I’m the groom.”

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.

“Good news is you have 48 hours to live,” he said to Harry. “Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.”

Q: Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?

A: A sheet cake.

Why do cows never have any money?

Because the farmers milk them dry!

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S” on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he’s flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, ” Look at that S-Car-Go!”

A blind guy goes to the Passover Seder and someone passes him a piece of matzah. He runs his fingers over it and loudly exclaims, “Who wrote this garbage!?!?”

I visited the Air and Space Museum…Nothing was there.

I used to work for an origami company until it folded.

My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: “Dam!”

A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.”

The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad news?”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because he was poultry in motion.

Q. How can you make God laugh?

A. Tell him your plans.

Have you played the updated kids’ game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”

“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter paint, green glitter paint. He said he didn’t like green, not at all. I asked why. He said, “Well, yucky, nasty garbage is green…..and then there’s broccoli.”

When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.  “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded.

Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”

The weasel asks, “What can I have?”

The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”

“Pop!” goes the weasel.

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill.  It was the darkest day of my life.

You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy. 

Hard riddles want to trip you up, and this one works by hitting you with details from every angle. The big hint comes at the end with the wind. What does wind threaten most? You have to stretch your brain to come up with a something tiny and unexpected.

Answer: A candle.

When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing his hands and flushing the toilet. The only toilets in our camping area were outhouses, which he had not used before. After using the outhouse, he stepped out the door and yelled to me, “Hey mom, where is the flusher??”

I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said in case bad people broke in the house so he would fight them. I told him it wasn’t his job to protect us, and he said, “But I’m almost 10.” Remember, he was SIX!

When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle. I explained to him that it’s called riding bareback. When I returned him to his parents, they asked him how he enjoyed his pony ride. He excitedly told them that he saw grownups riding naked!

I took my eight-year-old niece to a Chicago Blackhawks hockey game against the Montreal Canadians. She asked, “Are the Canadians from Canada?”

This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?”

His reply was 96 years old.

She said, “Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up.”

She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor’s office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor’s office, started across the street, and was hit and killed.

She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, “What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96.”

His reply: “We’ll I just didn’t recognize you!”

When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the orchard. There was a metal glider on the path in the orchard. My friends and I decided to sit on the glider, and talk as teenage girls will do. We sat on that metal glider with our feet in the seat for a good little while, but when we got up, we found a shocking surprise. My brothers had run a wire from the electric fence to the metal glider, and when our feet touched the ground, we got a shock. Needless to say that my brothers find this funny even after 45 years. You have to love brothers.

As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open the register. “Open my register,” “Please let me start,” and “Give me the go-ahead,” were some of the terms used by cashiers. One day, a newly appointed bright-looking girl came to the register and said loudly, “Turn me on!”

While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said to the teacher, “Boy Mrs. Dennis, you sure are a good hooker.”

My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this:
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table.

The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said you would stop eating here if there wasn’t some change in the food.”

A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear.  “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it.  Embarrassed, she then made a second cake.  Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too.

“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another.

“I sure did.”

“How did you get it to stop?”

“I removed the hat from my head and took out the band.”

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice door open, or am I stuck out here?

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Says.

Says who?

Says me, that’s who!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Voodoo.

Voodoo who?

Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Mikey.

Mikey who?

Mikey isn’t working, can you let me in?

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Scold.

Scold who?

Scold outside, let me in!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Needle.

Needle who?

Needle little help getting in the door!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?

I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

I am.

I am who?

You tell me!!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Oink oink.

Oink oink who?

Make up your mind—are you a pig, or an owl?!

Q. Are any Halloween monsters good at math?

A. No—unless you Count Dracula!

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

A. Because she always runs away from the ball!

Q. Why is Peter Pan flying all the time?

A. He Neverlands!