A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always…
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill…
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music
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Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well?
A: Just a brief moment!
Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
“What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!
Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?
A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.
The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric…
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said…
A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out…
Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news. “Good news is you have 48 hours…
Q: Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?
A: A sheet cake.
Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said,…
A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S”…
A blind guy goes to the Passover Seder and someone passes him a piece of matzah. He runs his fingers over it and loudly exclaims, “Who wrote this garbage!?!?”
I visited the Air and Space Museum…Nothing was there.
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.
A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!
Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An Investigator!
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.” The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad…
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was poultry in motion.
Q. How can you make God laugh?
A. Tell him your plans.
Have you played the updated kids’ game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.
“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”
“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter…
When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.
You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in…
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and…
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The…
I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill. It was the darkest day of my life.
You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy. Hard riddles want…
When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing…
I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said…
When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle….
I took my eight-year-old niece to a Chicago Blackhawks hockey game against the Montreal Canadians. She asked, “Are the Canadians from Canada?”
This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?” His reply was 96 years old. She said, “Hot diggity dog, I…
When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the…
As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open…
While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said…
My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this: ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which….
“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said…
A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.
A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear. “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got…
A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.
One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband…
“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed…
Candice door open, or am I stuck out here?
Says me, that’s who!
Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?
Mikey isn’t working, can you let me in?
Scold outside, let me in!
Needle little help getting in the door!
I didn’t know you liked Japanese poetry!
I am who?
You tell me!!
Oink oink who?
Make up your mind—are you a pig, or an owl?!
Q. Are any Halloween monsters good at math?
A. No—unless you Count Dracula!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.
Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
A. Because she always runs away from the ball!
Q. Why is Peter Pan flying all the time?
A. He Neverlands!
Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?
A. A pie-thon!
Q: What is the hardest shape to get out of?
A: Tell me.
Q: The trap-azoid.
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
A: Gladys, who?
Q: Gladys the weekend—no homework!
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!
Q: Knock Knock
A: Who’s there?
A: Felix who?
Q: Felixausted, let me in!
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam
Q: Why did the crab never share?
A: Because he’s shellfish
Q: Where did the vampire college student go clothes shopping?
A: Forever 21