When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.  “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded.

Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”

The weasel asks, “What can I have?”

The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”

“Pop!” goes the weasel.

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill.  It was the darkest day of my life.

You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy. 

Hard riddles want to trip you up, and this one works by hitting you with details from every angle. The big hint comes at the end with the wind. What does wind threaten most? You have to stretch your brain to come up with a something tiny and unexpected.

Answer: A candle.

When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing his hands and flushing the toilet. The only toilets in our camping area were outhouses, which he had not used before. After using the outhouse, he stepped out the door and yelled to me, “Hey mom, where is the flusher??”

I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said in case bad people broke in the house so he would fight them. I told him it wasn’t his job to protect us, and he said, “But I’m almost 10.” Remember, he was SIX!

When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle. I explained to him that it’s called riding bareback. When I returned him to his parents, they asked him how he enjoyed his pony ride. He excitedly told them that he saw grownups riding naked!

I took my eight-year-old niece to a Chicago Blackhawks hockey game against the Montreal Canadians. She asked, “Are the Canadians from Canada?”

This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?”

His reply was 96 years old.

She said, “Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up.”

She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor’s office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor’s office, started across the street, and was hit and killed.

She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, “What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96.”

His reply: “We’ll I just didn’t recognize you!”

When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the orchard. There was a metal glider on the path in the orchard. My friends and I decided to sit on the glider, and talk as teenage girls will do. We sat on that metal glider with our feet in the seat for a good little while, but when we got up, we found a shocking surprise. My brothers had run a wire from the electric fence to the metal glider, and when our feet touched the ground, we got a shock. Needless to say that my brothers find this funny even after 45 years. You have to love brothers.

As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open the register. “Open my register,” “Please let me start,” and “Give me the go-ahead,” were some of the terms used by cashiers. One day, a newly appointed bright-looking girl came to the register and said loudly, “Turn me on!”

While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said to the teacher, “Boy Mrs. Dennis, you sure are a good hooker.”

My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this:
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table.

The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said you would stop eating here if there wasn’t some change in the food.”