Animal Jokes

Laugh it up with these funny animal jokes.

Looking for funny and corny animal jokes? Read our animal jokes for kids and animal puns such as our cat puns and dog puns that every animal advocate should have under his or her paw.

Doggy Love

Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog’s animal instincts start to kick in. He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together....

Doggie Bowl

I was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband. "Look, it even...

Bird Lover

Coincidences were flying when a man was arrested and charged with stealing a bird feeder from Cornell University’s ornithology laboratory. According to the Associated Press, police charged James Buzzard, 44,...

Visitation Rights

My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were...

Food Caller

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric...

Tragically Right

I bought my sons a pet rabbit after they promised they would take care of it. As expected, I ended up with the responsibility. Exasperated, one evening I said, "How...

Foul Mouth Bird

Dave’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it. "Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds,"...

Good Dog

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my...

Hamster on the Run

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later,...

Health Insurance

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon...

How to get Attention

One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire...

Late Night Eaters

Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent me and my husband out to our garage. There we spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat...

Medicine Time

The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Tigger, and after several battles my husband devised a way to give her the medication. It involved wrapping Tigger in a...

Changing Species

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark." "You’re crazy! He’ll rip...

Money Saver

Each morning at 5:30, I take my Lhasa Apso, Maxwell, for a walk. He has the bad habit of picking up bits of paper or other trash along the way....

Clever Names

“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son. “Bob,” he said. “And your cat?” “Bob.” “How do you keep them straight?” “Well one is Bob Cat and...

Opera Singer

Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he’s late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears. One day...

Covering the Bird

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird....

Religious Squirrels

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere...

Dinner Time

My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky’s dinner. The...

Scared Dog

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff’s department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the...

Scared Dog

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn’t like men." Perfect, my sister-in-law...

Endangered Species

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it....

Scared of Insects

One day while we were doing yard work, my nine-year-old daughter found a baby snake, and I encouraged her to catch it and put it in a jar. Later she...

Feeding Time

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?” “I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level...

Self-Poison

Snake 1:

Are we poisonous?

Snake 2:

I don’t know. Why?

Snake 1:

I just bit my lip.

 

 

 

Fish Emergency

My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium...

Sleeping Position

As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on his back, one...

Magic Cat

I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing...

Pet Giveaway

From the Danvers, Ill., Shopper:

"Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed the guinea pig's ear off. Also, partially 2deaf guinea pig."

 

 

Regular Feeding

When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip—not enough for even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our...

Smelling the Cat

At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected...

Talking Bird

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open...

Car Trouble

My son is an avid listener to our city’s police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher...

Traveling Answering Machine

In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay....

Cat Shopping

Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going...

Traveling Birds

In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:

"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."

 

 

Cooking Instructions

According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to...

Unable to Drink

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” the snake asks. “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”      ...

Dog Duties

Once while riding the bus to work, I noticed a man at a stop enjoying a cup of coffee. As we approached the stop, he finished drinking and set the...

Dog Giver

I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "‘Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat...

Dog Sounds

I always scoffed when my sister insisted that our three dogs are computer literate. Then one day when I was signing on to AOL, I noticed that when the “welcome”...

Drive Thru

The drive-up window at the bank where I’m a teller has an outside drawer to accept customer transactions. A woman once drove up with her dog in the front passenger...

Escape of the Snake

On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught...

Wrong Snake

When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on...

Hungry Cat

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about...

Hungry Dogs

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor...

Lunatic

I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn’t exactly my wife’s favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and...

Color Problems

A favorite story among color-film processors concerns the negative of a poodle which a woman sent to a photo-finishing lab. When the print was made, the dog came out looking...

Fashion Forward

A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek...

The Retriever

I’m a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway, when I saw a...