Corny Jokes

Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.

Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.

Mustang Price

Q: How much does a Mustang cost? A: More than you can af-Ford.

Policeman Jokes

Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button? A: You're under a vest.

Halloween Tricks

Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween? A: Prankenstein.

Nose or Foot?

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it'd be a foot.

Baby Monkey

Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A chimp off the old block.

Baking Pig

Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? A: He was really good at bacon.

Anxious Dino

Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs? A: Nervous Rex.

Fisherman Magic

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod.

Space Computer

Q: What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? A: The space bar.

Dough for the Poor

Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast? A: To raise some dough.

Buckle Down

Q. Why was the belt sent to jail? A. For holding up a pair of pants!  

Crack a Joke

I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Peek-a-Boo

-Do you think glass coffins will be a success? -Remains to be seen.

Coming Through!

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Hidden Talent

Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? A. Because he just couldn't see himself doing it.

How Distasteful

Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party? A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.

Who Turned Out the Lights?

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.

Pachyderm Problems?

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said, "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it."

Can’t Imagine Why…

People always tell me I'm condescending. (That means talking down to people.)

How Does This Joke Stack Up?

I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Rick-Rolled

Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he's never gonna give you Up. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Film Plots, Badly Explained

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends...

Your Work E-mail is What?

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His...

Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

What Kind Of Exercise Do Lazy People Do?

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

This Lawyer Is Thorough…

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over...

Dolphin Spy Thrillers

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy...

A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only...

Roller Derby Teams for Book Nerds

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

Fluent in Ink

I think it's pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A Classic Conundrum

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

New Words for 2016

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like...

Holy Vision

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

8 Days’ Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,...

Bloody Good Question

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

Mild, Mild West

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen...

Social Media IRL

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and...

Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the...

The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer....

Stewart Francis on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

Trash of Society

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Q: What Do You Call an Amish Guy…

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.

Toto, We’re Not in Cans Anymore…

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, 
Richmond, Utah

A Long-Winded Limerick

A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as 
many extra syllables into the...

The Worst Page in The Dictionary

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

Schizophrenic Bookkeeper

Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say? A: I hear invoices! Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan

Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

There's no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey

A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? Betsy Salkind

A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

Famous Quotes (With More Appropriate Authors)

• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.”    —Paula Deen • “Hell hath...

Ahead of the Competition

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

Why Did The Chicken Go to…

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to the other side.

Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,...

The Worst Streets in America

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr....

What's the Plural of Mongoose?

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up,...

Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

Zen Koans for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...

The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

Two Men Are Out Ice Fishing…

Two men have been ice fishing 
all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish. “What’s your secret?” asks the 
unlucky fisherman....

Hedberg on Highlights

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Ten Commandments by Popular Websites

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites… I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused,...

Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

A Step in the Wrong Direction

On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.” “If you slid back two...

Over-the-Hill Band Names

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply...

Worst First Sentence

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after...

Where are Average Things Manufactured?

  The satisfactory.

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the...