During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it…
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
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Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?
A: He was really good at bacon.
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a…
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: “I can’t see you today.”
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and…
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “You buyin’?”
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how…
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
Q: What do you call an old snowman?
I’m reading a great book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I’ll never part with it!
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business!
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill. Source:…
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked…
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us. “So,”…
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
What did one eye say to the other?
“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”
Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?
Because you should never drink and derive.
Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?
Swine and cowswine.
Convex go to prison!
Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”
Student: “Ten Q.”
Teacher: “You’re welcome.”
Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?
A: He was really good at bacon.
Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance….
About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
—Source: Funny in the U.K.
A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how…
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says. “Have you tried counting sheep?”…
My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this…
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source:…
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go…
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked. “Nothing,” he…
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at…
I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.
How does Moses make tea?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic…
Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp…
The hashtag #literaryturducken asked Twitter users to combine the titles of three classic books into a single title. Here are some responses: Anne of Green Eggs and Hamlet You Are…
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week. From…
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It’s all over town.
As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-faced client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez….
A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him. “It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with…