Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
@JoeToplyn
RD.COM Jokes Corny Jokes Page 3
Corny Jokes
Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.
Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.
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Eve's Online Dating Profile
Eve
Sex: Female
Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented,
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old
Location: Over by some ferns
Height: A tall vine
Weight: A bunch of sticks
Body Type: Only female type there is
Favorite music: Birds
Favorite movies: Birds
Favorite food: Birds
Hobbies: Being tempted, birds
Profession: Woman
Personality: VERY easily tempted
Turn-ons: Adam, birds
Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks
Looking for: The only other person in existence
From Science … For Her by Megan Amram (Scribner), copyright © 2014 by Megan Amram
Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine...
Warning Labels We can Really Use:
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”
From gcfl.net
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”...
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How do You Drown a Hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
It's A Small World…
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Brock Cohen
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Brock Cohen
How Many Tech-Support People…
Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?
Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb? A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb...
How Many Economists…
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.
How Many Teenagers…
Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Whatever.
Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Whatever.
How Many Telemarketers…
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do
it while you’re eating dinner.
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do
it while you’re eating dinner.
Redneck Movie Quotes
Famous film quotes get the
redneck treatment:
• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her
’68 Rambler into mine.”
From humorlabs.com
Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all...
The Other Mortal Coils
I told the kids I never want to
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from
a bottle. So they unplugged my
computer and threw out my wine.
Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin,
Burnsville, Minnesota
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out...
Names For Groups You Never Knew
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger...
Wax On, Mouth Off
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
Control Freak
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Control Freak.
Con—
Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Control Freak.
Con—
Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"
Catch and Retweet
Give a man a fish, and he’ll
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
@hipstermermaid
Give a man a fish, and he’ll
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
@hipstermermaid
Popular NSA Pick-Up Lines
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
@Normwilner
“I’d tap that.”
@SanaSaeed
“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”
@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all...
I Invented a New Word:
plagiarism.
Submitted by M. R.
plagiarism.
Submitted by M. R.
Drumming Up A Reason
A man vacations on a tropical
island, and the first thing he hears
is drums. He goes to the beach
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the...
The Device Too Big To Fail
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The
Titanic is syncing.”
Source: textsfromlastnight.com
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The
Titanic is syncing.”
Source: textsfromlastnight.com
Zero Sum Puns
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I...
Zen and the Art of Breakfast
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
Genie Logic
A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie.
“In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.”
“I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately.
“Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.”
The hiker considers his options before replying, “In that case, I want a million more genies.”
reddit.com
A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie. “In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant...
New World Gambling
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What’s The Best Thing…
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Professors Define a Kiss
In math: Two divided by nothing.
In physics: The contraction of
the mouth due to the expansion
of the heart.
In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.
In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the
supply.
In dentistry: It’s infectious and
antiseptic.
From gcfl.net
In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when...
Where Do Geeks Go…
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?
A: A wonky-tonk.
Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?
A: A wonky-tonk.
Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas
Hear About the Statistician…
Hear about the statistician
who drowned crossing a river?
It
was three feet deep on average.
Hear about the statistician
who drowned crossing a river?
It
was three feet deep on average.
Cluck Life
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What’s Brown and…
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
A Joke of Little Value…
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Genius Solution
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
Why Should 288…
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.
Why do Mathematicians…
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
Noah and the Snakes
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes...
What do You Call a Number…
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.
An Average Joke
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably.
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably.
Vice President of Rock
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Chicken Strips
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Solve for XX
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Law of Diminishing Returns
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
What do You Call a Line…
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
Jokes Every Vegan Should Know
What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.
How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in
the dark.
How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?
What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead. How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in the dark. How many vegetarians...
Did You Hear About the Vegan Devil…
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Why Does Vegan Cheese Taste…
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
The Time Traveler Protest
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
@johnfreiler
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
@johnfreiler
Crossword Puzzle Answers You’d Never get Right:
• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)
Source: Esquire
• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)
Source: Esquire
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Grandma, How You’ve Changed!
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”
Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it...
How Do You Get Down…
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a goose.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a goose.
She Shoots, She Scores!
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he's a keeper.
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he's a keeper.
Why Are Frogs…
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
The Reader, The Writer, And The Lion
A lion comes across two
men, one reading and the other
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a...
Did You Hear About the New E-reader?
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and
Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Why Do We Tell Actors…
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has a cast.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has a cast.
Why Aren’t Dogs…
Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
What Kind of Coat…
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
Pencil Me In
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
Dive Right In
What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"
What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"
How Many Sheep…
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Why Do Cows Have Bells…
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
What Did the Doctor…
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: "I can't see you today."
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: "I can't see you today."
A Juggler, a Tightrope Walker, and a Clown…
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn't the lion eat the clown?
A: Because it thought he would taste funny.
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and...
Why Did the Bacteria…
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Why Are Football Stadiums…
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Why Is Six Afraid…
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
A chilling realization
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A police officer pulled over a guy…
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”
The driver said, “You buyin’?”
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “You buyin’?”
Two babies are sitting in their cribs…
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”
“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few
seconds, he resurfaces.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.
“How can you tell?”
“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how...
I saw a documentary on…
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
—Stewart Francis
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
—Stewart Francis
When I was a child…
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
—Stewart Francis
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
—Stewart Francis
What Do You Call an Old…
Q: What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water!
Q: What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water!
A Little Levity
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.
No Umbrellas at the North Pole?
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Reindeer Lessons
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That's right—he was elf taught.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That's right—he was elf taught.