A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan. Inside the bank, he...
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Corny Jokes
Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.
Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.
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Chicken Prep
A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
Underwear Thief
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
—Jimmy Fallon
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
—Jimmy Fallon
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A Duck Walks Into a Drugstore
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."
Quite a Crowd
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A Pig Walks Into a Bar…
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the...
Best Fishes
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes?” he asked. “Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger. “Great,” said the man....
The Claustrophobic Astronaut
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink
The Heavy Cartoonist
Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink
The Unemployed Knife-Sharpener
Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink
The Mime Who Shopped
Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink
The Allergic Convict
Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink
G-E-T W-E-L-L S-O-O-N
Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.
—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)
—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)
Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen...
Hey, Break a Leg!
Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
Overheard: Weight a Minute!
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would...
Overheard: Voided of Thought
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided...
Overheard: Eye Gotcha!
Guy: Your glasses can't be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault.
Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Girl: I'm very competitive.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault.
Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Girl: I'm very competitive.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault. Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve...
Your Move
"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess."
—Matt Kirshen
"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess."
—Matt Kirshen
What That Tattoo Really Says
If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here's what the ink would actually say:
Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase.
I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I chose this.
Thinking-ahead deficient.
Personal names on my body are not necessarily indicative of my relationship with that person when you read this.
I regretted this one almost immediately.
It may be wrong to assume that I know what this symbol represents.
Actively taking a role in reducing the number of potential places that might employ me.
If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here’s what the ink would actually say: Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase. I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I...
The Town Crier
Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town's morals, stuck her nose into everyone's business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.
"George, everyone who sees it there will know what you're doing," she told him in front of their church group.
George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there all night.
Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after...
Funny Fictional Fiction
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year.
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead."
--Dennis Pearce
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered...
Harry Potter Sequels
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom
Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone
Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District
Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the...
Blame Canada
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to...
Redneck IQ Test
Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck.
1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
’65 Ford Fairlane
’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
’64 Pontiac GTO
2) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.
3) A woodcutter has a chain saw, which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. Here’s the question: How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
4) If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck....
7 Funny French Fast-Food Restaurants
The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant:
•Brief Bourguignonne
•Kentucky Fried Chic
•Tore de Pants
•Fatatouille
•Fryer Jacques
•Have It Eur Way
•Chomps Élysées
•Brief Bourguignonne
•Kentucky Fried Chic
•Tore de Pants
•Fatatouille
•Fryer Jacques
•Have It Eur Way
•Chomps Élysées
The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant: •Brief Bourguignonne •Kentucky Fried Chic •Tore de Pants •Fatatouille •Fryer Jacques •Have It Eur...
Odd Jobsite
On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they're eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play.
The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays "Amazing Grace." When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."
On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the...
Party Time
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.
The Definition of Fame
Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president.
"Nah," says the second guy. "Real fame would be if the red phone rang when you were there, and the president wouldn't take the call."
"You're both wrong," says the third. "Fame is when you're in the Oval Office and the red phone rings, the president answers it, listens for a second, and then says, "'It's for you.'"
Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president. “Nah,” says the second...
Funny Smell
While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. "If you smell gas," I said, "it's me."
While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried...
Good Eulogy
The pastor asks his flock, "What would you like people to say when you're in your casket?"
One congregant says, "I'd like them to say I was a fine family man."
Another says, "I'd like them to say I helped people."
The third responds, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! I think he's moving!' "
The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?” One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family...
On Friends and Countrymen
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues. "That can't be true," another said.
"No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,”...
Bathing in Milk
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck".
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. "Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in...
Drinking Water
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage,...
Driving in the Middle
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, "Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you're going so fast down the middle of the road?"
"Oh, it's okay, Officer," she replied. "I have a special license that allows me to drive like that."
"Oh, yeah?" Let's see it." The cop looked at the license and then concluded, "Ma'am, there's nothing special about this. It's just a temporary license."
"Look at the very bottom, though," the woman insisted. "See? It says 'Tear along the dotted line.'"
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling...
Lawn-Mower Names
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names.
Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the...
Speaking Slowly
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he'd bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word. Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, "All right. Here's my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable."
"How's that going to get your point across?" the clerk asked, scratching his head.
"Don't worry," Hoss said. "Sue's not the greatest reader. She'll say it real slow."
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was...
Change in Weather
News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mom."
I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.
I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.
News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and...
Slow and Steady
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, “Mr. Hare must...
Squealing Evidence
Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty. Since there was nothing else to be done, Phil drove on home. In the morning the sheriff was standing at his doorstep. "You're under arrest for hitting a pig and leaving the scene," the lawman told him with a frown. "Please come with me."
Phil couldn't believe his ears. "But how could you possibly know that's what happened?" he asked.
"It wasn't hard," the sheriff replied. "The pig squealed."
Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty....
Overeater
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn't consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom," he said. "Whatcha doin', having lunch?"
I started my diet that day.
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in...
Speech Impediment
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after...
Unappetizing
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.
Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entrée named "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees—dishes like “Chicken Mickey,” after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s...