Daily Life Jokes

Start your day with our daily jokes that bring a great laugh.

Make every day a great day with these funny jokes about life that will make each day a little brighter.

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...

A Classic Conundrum

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

A Few Grams More

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman

When Relatives Attack

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people...

A Light-bulb Moment

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

The Paradox of Grown-Ups

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

Weird Things Librarians Hear

Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to...

Whom Gave It Away?

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause:...

5 Lies Job Applicants Tell

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … … to be a former CEO of the company to which he...

Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very...

When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to...

New Words for 2016

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like...

The Oscar Goes to…

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?” @SethMacFarlane

Pizza Perils

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread...

Hut, Hut, Gripe!

Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. @Leemanish

Clean Your Plate

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso

Amir Blumenfeld on Eggplant Alternatives

If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)

The Taste of Wicker

Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat. @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)

A Bar Walks Into a Man…

Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up 
oatmeal cookies before noon?” @JulieKlausner

Brother Xing

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”...

Kitchen Confidential

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. Maria Bamford

Letter to a Bad Neighbor

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog...

Call The WAHmbulance

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me. @bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)

Bloody Good Question

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

Social Media IRL

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and...

Father Time

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that...

How Russian Tour Guides See America

Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly...

Half It Your Way

The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a...

Well, Dishes Annoying

I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand. @goldengateblond (shauna)

How About a Finger?

An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael...

Good English

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always...

Router-stiltskin

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

Jay Leno on Twinkies

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

Bank on Confusion

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

Game Respect Game

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

Expanding Inventory

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner...

Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and...

#IGotBusted

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed...

A Wee Little Triumph

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and...

Squeaky Clean

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s so disgusting!” “What are you going to do?” I...

A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...

An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I...

New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things

• Couch = People Shelf • Books = Manual Films • Bracelets = Clockless Watches • Air Horn = Spray Scream • Bottled Water = Snowman Blood • Feather = Bird Leaf From sliptalk.com

Hammering the Point Home

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.” “You jerk!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. “You’re also charged with attacking...