Daily Life Jokes

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to find a 
book to teach her dog German. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work. Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause: “Did you just say whom?” “Yes, I did.” The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up. From gcfl.net

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … ... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying. ... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin. ... to be a Nobel Prize winner. ... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time. ... he was fired “on accident.” From careerbuilder.com

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK. From clientsfromhell.net

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.” John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text. Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. Source: viralthread.com

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?” @SethMacFarlane

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza 
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/ Source: Twitter

Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. @Leemanish

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso

If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)

Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat. @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)

Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up 
oatmeal cookies before noon?” @JulieKlausner

I’m driving with this guy, and 
he runs right through a Stop sign. So 
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?” He says, “My brother might be coming.”

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. Maria Bamford

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry Submitted by Edward Phillips, 
Boynton Beach, Florida

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me. @bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist. Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, 
Points, West Virginia

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.” Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada

Here’s a guide to American 
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.” “As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.” “‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, 
and no more.” Source: Mental Floss

The food at the sandwich shop 
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?” Carole Holder, Norman, Oklahoma

I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand. @goldengateblond (shauna)

An ad for a hedge clipper that 
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael Goldstone, Manchester, England

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.” Ellen Israel, Alamo, California

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.” Sally Thorinson, Ferndale, Washington

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad. Comedian Mark Chalifoux

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share 
the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop 
monitor.” “I lied and told my dad school 
was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see 
a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.” “I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’” Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, 
she threw her arms in the air 
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can 
go to Harvard!” Jan and Jack McCloskey, 
San Francisco, California

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s 
so disgusting!” “What are you going to do?” 
I asked. “I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.” Kirsten Lauth, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.” Source: guy-sports.com

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never 
remember the name.” Submitted by R. s., via mail

• Couch = People Shelf • Books = Manual Films • Bracelets = Clockless Watches • Air Horn = Spray Scream • Bottled Water = Snowman Blood • Feather = Bird Leaf From sliptalk.com

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.” “You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom. “You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge. “Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man. “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”