If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley
I’m not fat, but I’m not thin either. I’m at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he’s trying to “Diet Hard.”
My brain said “crunches” but my stomach auto-corrected it to “cupcakes.”
You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a “sensible dinner.” How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?
Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.
I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious
What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.
I finally heard some good news. I’m not overweight. I’m undertall. What a relief!
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Trail mix is just an inconvenient way to eat M&Ms.
Diet tip: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I’m going to open up a low carb bakery and I’m going to call it No Bun Intended.
When someone asks me if I quit my diet… not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying “I ate nachos,” I say “I accidentally ate nachos.”
I know it’s three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet? A: You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.
I’m on day 2 of a “diet” which means I’m always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
1. Read about new diet 2. Spend $300 on vegetables 3. Commit publicly to diet on FB 4. Dive head first into plate of bacon
Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.
Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A: A salad shooter.
Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow? A: One if nobody’s looking.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.
Nutrition question: How many Skittles equal one serving of fruit?
Q: What do vegan zombies eat? A: GggRrrAaaIiiNnSsss!
It’s hard to lose weight when you have an overactive knife and fork.
Q: When should you go on a cheese diet? A: If you need to cheddar few pounds.
Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A beer in each hand.
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: He went back four seconds.
D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?