Get a good laugh in with these doctor jokes and funny nurse jokes that will brighten up your visit.
The house call is here! Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered.
While on duty as a nurse in the obstetrics department at the hospital, I was checking a young mother-to-be. "Is this your first baby?" I asked her.
"Yes," she answered calmly.
"Are you having any contractions or pressure?" I continued.
"No," she stated.
"Are you having any discomfort?"
Again the response was no. Laying my equipment aside, I said, "Honey, may I ask you why you're here?"
"Today is my due date!" she replied happily.
A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.
The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don't look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.
The doctor examined the hook in the tourist's hand and responded, "And you don't look much like a fish to me."
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"Why?" I asked. "Are they too loose on you?"
"No," he replied. "I'm talking about the brand name—Faded Glory."
"Yes, I know," I said. "That was me!"
She was coming to, following her operation, when she heard the beep of the heart monitor. In her anesthetized stupor, she groggily said, "This is Sue. Can I help you?"
When the doctor looked at the man's chest through the screen, he was at first dumbfounded and then amused to read the words "Merry Christmas." The patient had shaped the season's greeting from a roll of wire solder and taped it to his chest.
One morning, a pregnant woman walked in, and we confirmed that delivery was definitely imminent. So a nurse called her husband at home, getting him out of bed. "Your wife's about to give birth," she told him. "You need to go to the hospital."
"Okay," he said groggily. "I'll wake her up and tell her."
The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."
When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.
Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."
"Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have a baby."
Knowing my sister's stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease Joanne's pain. "You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"
"Yes," Joanne replied. "I want to be the midwife!"
"No," came the reply. "What sign do you come under?"
"Lean back and look up at me," he suggested. She did. "Oh! Dr. Harrison!"
My wife's labor went relatively smoothly and, when it seemed appropriate, I inserted the blank tape and began recording. Shortly thereafter, our baby was born and we all heard the first cry. The doctor held up the baby and, with tape rolling, loudly proclaimed, "Wow, will you look at the scrotum on him!"
One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor. "At least," she said, "I'll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"
To the nurse he explained, "My kids are all sick with some kind of bug. I know that Doc is too busy for me to bring 'em all in here, but I wondered if I could bring in one for a sample?"
The patient opened her eyes and said, "Is there any other way?"
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
He ignored my pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, "Ow! This is getting serious." As I turned to him in concern, he added, "Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control!"
"My husband wants me to ask you something—" Carol began.
The doctor interrupted her. "I get asked that question all the time," he said in a reassuring tone. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it!" an embarrassed Carol confessed. "My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"
In the middle of the week, our receptionist received a call for him. She announced that the partner was out of the office until Friday. "Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know."
It was my partner's doctor.
After a thorough examination the dentist asked but one question: "Been doing your own work?"
After X-raying my toe, the doctor said he didn't need to do anything.
Anxious to speed the healing, I asked whether there was something I could do: "Should I soak it? Put it on ice? Is there anything you recommend?"
He smiled and said, "Take dancing lessons."
The next day, January 1, I woke up to a banner on my bedroom wall. It screamed "Happy New Rear!"
"Where did you learn that?" I asked her. "Labs? Seminars? Conferences?"
"No way," she replied. "Nintendo!"
"That's ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I've been using it every day for years."
"Okay," said Brian, "reprocess me."
"I'm sorry," she told him. "We're not accepting any new patients."
One day, trauma cases abounded, and the wait was particularly long. A police officer came in and approached the unit clerk. "I hate to tell you this," he said apologetically, "but we just got a 911 call from your waiting room."
The voice-dictation program a physician friend of mine purchased for his computer often misinterpreted words. Once, my friend dictated, "Recommend CAT scan if symptoms persist."
The program typed out, "Recommend casket if symptoms persist."
I'm never very comfortable with any kind of physical test or procedure, but when I was referred to a doctor for a breast exam, I agreed to see him. I don't know the doctor, and he doesn't know me, I told myself. It is no big deal.
On the day of the appointment, I was a little nervous. But the exam went smoothly, and I breathed a sigh of relief when the doctor told me he was finished.
Just as I was about to step out of the office, however, his voice stopped me in my tracks. "By the way," said the doctor, "I really enjoyed your performance at the symphony concert last week!"
Esther's son replied, "That's someone who asks you to lie down on a couch and then blames everything on your mother."
After a moment of shocked silence, the woman replied indignantly, "Well, no wonder it takes his patients months to recover!"
"Ice cream?" came the reply. "Sorry. What we have is a free eye screening."
When the student nurse came in, it caught her eye and she looked at it skeptically. "If you want the real low-down on baby care," she said confidentially, "you can't beat Doctor Spock."
"No," she said, "an obstetrician."
"Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go overboard."
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes, it's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?"
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife's inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."
On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."
"The patient refused autopsy."
"The patient has no previous history of suicides."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."
I was in the next room, cleaning up a newly sutured wound, when I realized he hadn't given instructions for a bandage. I poked my head out the door and asked, "What kind of dressing do you want on that?"
"Ranch," he replied.
With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
Mystified, I led him to an examining room. "While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and…"
It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad's nose.
We were unprepared for the response of a young newlywed who wrote: "Yes—birth-control pills."
"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue."
"Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm in English class."
"Pretend it's your I.Q."
"Pretend it's your I.Q."
Suddenly the conversation shifted, and the woman said, "Him? That's over." Then she added, "Can we talk about this later? It's rather personal, and I'm in a room full of people."