Funny Quotes

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. —Joan Rivers

I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ... —Steve Martin

I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?" —Rodney Dangerfield

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. —Ron White

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. —Bill Cosby

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" —Henny Youngman

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is. —Fred Allen

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" —Jack Benny

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. —George Burns

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. —Jim Carrey

Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. —Red Skeleton

According to most studies, people's No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. —Jerry Seinfeld

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. —Steve Martin

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you're like, "Damn, I could have had a car." —Marc Maron

You don't pay taxes—they take taxes. —Chris Rock

Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost. —Martina Navratilova

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? —Bill Cosby

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works. —Hannibal Buress

When in doubt, look intelligent. —Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. —Garrison Keillor

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. —Mindy Kaling

The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. —David Letterman

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. —Julia Child

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. —Louis C.K.

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. —Jon Stewart

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. —Robert Frost

The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it! —Mindy Kaling

The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example. —Howie Mandell

Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie. —David Mamet

Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page. —Aziz Ansari

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin

Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?" —Jerry Seinfeld

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me. I'll make another one look just like you." —Bill Cosby

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.” —Craig Ferguson

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!! —Lewis Black

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies. —Mindy Kaling

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen DeGeneres

I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out. —Louis C.K.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. —Stephen Colbert

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," read the newspaper obit. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50." —Merrill Markoe

Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry Seinfeld

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party'""
--Robin Williams


"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
--David Letterman


"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."
--Margaret Atwood


"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Josh Billings


"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into."
-- Henry Ward Beecher


"Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes."
-- Clare Ansberry


"The earth laughs in flowers."
-- e e cummings


"At my age flowers scare me."
-- George Burns


"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-- Doug Larsen


"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
-- H. L Mencken