I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
—Bob Hope
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Funny Quotes
Our collection of hilarious quotes will have everyone laughing.
These funny quotes and sayings may have been coined by someone else, but their funny motivational quotes and witty words will make everyone laugh!
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I Like a Woman With…
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
—Steve Martin
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
—Steve Martin
To Grandmother’s House We Go
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
—Rita Rudner
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
—Rita Rudner
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I Hate Housework
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
—Joan Rivers
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
—Joan Rivers
The Cat Bath
I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ...
—Steve Martin
I gave my cat a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to...
I Don’t Get No Respect
I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?"
—Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?"
—Rodney Dangerfield
When Life Hands You Lemons…
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
—Ron White
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
—Ron White
The Young and the Restful
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
A Culinary Adventure
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
—Henny Youngman
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
—Henny Youngman
Trouble Remembering
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.
—Fred Allen
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.
—Fred Allen
Cross Country Trip
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
—Jack Benny
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We...
Growing Pains
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
—George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
—George Burns
Seriously?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
—Jim Carrey
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
—Jim Carrey
The Secret to Errands
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skeleton
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skeleton
No. 1 Fear
According to most studies, people's No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
—Jerry Seinfeld
According to most studies, people’s No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if...
Fade Into Darkness
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
Engagement Woes
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you're like, "Damn, I could have had a car."
—Marc Maron
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it’s real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you’re like, “Damn, I could...
Here, Take My Money
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes.
—Chris Rock
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes.
—Chris Rock
Sore Loser
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
—Martina Navratilova
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
—Martina Navratilova
Sleep Walking
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
—Bill Cosby
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
—Bill Cosby
Step By Step
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
—Hannibal Buress
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
—Hannibal Buress
Is It Working?
When in doubt, look intelligent.
—Garrison Keillor
When in doubt, look intelligent.
—Garrison Keillor
What Poor Timing
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
—Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
—Garrison Keillor
I’ll Dream of it Instead
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
No They Aren’t!
The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
—David Letterman
The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
—David Letterman
Ain’t That the Truth
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
—Julia Child
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
—Julia Child
Food: 1. Man: 0.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
—Louis C.K.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
—Louis C.K.
The Millennial Breakfast Club
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
—Jon Stewart
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
—Jon Stewart
Also Known as a Smart Man
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
—Robert Frost
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
—Robert Frost
Six Degrees of Separation
The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it!
—Mindy Kaling
The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about...
Diaper Duty
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.
—Howie Mandell
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set...
3.14 Pieces to be Exact
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
—David Mamet
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
—David Mamet
Melville v. Schwarzenegger
Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
—Aziz Ansari
Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
—Aziz Ansari
At Your Service
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
Wasn’t Me
Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?"
—Jerry Seinfeld
Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?"
—Jerry Seinfeld
Parental Warning
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me. I'll make another one look just like you."
—Bill Cosby
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you...
Positive Thinking
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”
—Craig Ferguson
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”
—Craig Ferguson
Come on, Science
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!
—Lewis Black
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!
—Lewis Black
It’s What We’re All Thinking, Anyway
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.
—Mindy Kaling
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.
—Mindy Kaling
In a Food Court Near You
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
—Ellen DeGeneres
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
—Ellen DeGeneres
Lincoln on Lock Down
I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out.
—Louis C.K.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can’t get it out. You can’t. You can visit your five dollars, you can...
Roe v. Wade
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
—Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
—Stephen Colbert
The Obituary of Martin Levine
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," read the newspaper obit. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50."
—Merrill Markoe
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at...
What Doesn’t Kill Ya…
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry...
Your Move
"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess."
—Matt Kirshen
"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess."
—Matt Kirshen
10 Quotes About Springtime
"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party'""
--Robin Williams
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
--David Letterman
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."
--Margaret Atwood
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Josh Billings
"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into."
-- Henry Ward Beecher
"Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes."
-- Clare Ansberry
"The earth laughs in flowers."
-- e e cummings
"At my age flowers scare me."
-- George Burns
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-- Doug Larsen
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
-- H. L Mencken
--Robin Williams
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
--David Letterman
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."
--Margaret Atwood
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Josh Billings
"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into."
-- Henry Ward Beecher
"Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes."
-- Clare Ansberry
"The earth laughs in flowers."
-- e e cummings
"At my age flowers scare me."
-- George Burns
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-- Doug Larsen
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
-- H. L Mencken
Funny, uplifting and silly quotes about this beautiful time of year.