Funny Quotes

Our collection of hilarious quotes will have everyone laughing.

These funny quotes and sayings may have been coined by someone else, but their funny motivational quotes and witty words will make everyone laugh!

It Was a Long Game

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead. —Bob Hope

I Like a Woman With…

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. —Steve Martin

To Grandmother’s House We Go

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. —Rita Rudner

I Hate Housework

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. —Joan Rivers

The Cat Bath

I gave my cat a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to...

I Don’t Get No Respect

I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?" —Rodney Dangerfield

When Life Hands You Lemons…

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. —Ron White

The Young and the Restful

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. —Bill Cosby

A Culinary Adventure

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" —Henny Youngman

Trouble Remembering

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is. —Fred Allen

Cross Country Trip

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We...

Growing Pains

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. —George Burns

Seriously?

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. —Jim Carrey

The Secret to Errands

Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. —Red Skeleton

No. 1 Fear

According to most studies, people’s No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if...

Fade Into Darkness

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. —Steve Martin

Engagement Woes

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it’s real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you’re like, “Damn, I could...

Here, Take My Money

You don't pay taxes—they take taxes. —Chris Rock

Sore Loser

Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost. —Martina Navratilova

Sleep Walking

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? —Bill Cosby

Step By Step

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works. —Hannibal Buress

Is It Working?

When in doubt, look intelligent. —Garrison Keillor

What Poor Timing

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. —Garrison Keillor

I’ll Dream of it Instead

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. —Mindy Kaling

No They Aren’t!

The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. —David Letterman

Ain’t That the Truth

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. —Julia Child

Food: 1. Man: 0.

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. —Louis C.K.

The Millennial Breakfast Club

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. —Jon Stewart

Also Known as a Smart Man

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. —Robert Frost

Six Degrees of Separation

The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about...

Diaper Duty

The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set...

3.14 Pieces to be Exact

Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie. —David Mamet

Melville v. Schwarzenegger

Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page. —Aziz Ansari

At Your Service

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin

Wasn’t Me

Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?" —Jerry Seinfeld

Parental Warning

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you...

Positive Thinking

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.” —Craig Ferguson

Come on, Science

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!! —Lewis Black

It’s What We’re All Thinking, Anyway

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies. —Mindy Kaling

In a Food Court Near You

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen DeGeneres

Lincoln on Lock Down

I don’t know if you’ve ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can’t get it out. You can’t. You can visit your five dollars, you can...

Roe v. Wade

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. —Stephen Colbert

The Obituary of Martin Levine

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at...

What Doesn’t Kill Ya…

Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry...

Your Move

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

10 Quotes About Springtime

Funny, uplifting and silly quotes about this beautiful time of year.