Funny Stories

These funny stories will have you laughing for days.

See how your stories compare with these with these funny short stories you can share with the whole family.

Return to Sender

I was picking up my letters at the post office when I heard a boy ask his mother if they had gotten any mail. She said, “No, just bills.” Then...

Teach the Teacher

Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home after that first day of class, his mother asked him if he liked it....

Office Incompetence, a play in one act

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it. Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a...

Pregnant With Doubt

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how...

Life With A Blonde Teenager…

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a...

What An Ugly Duck…

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds....

No Bedside Manner

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a...

A Fly-Killer’s Pickle

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated...

Aged To Perfection

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up....

The Dumbest Police Calls in America…

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day: • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail...

A Place Where Grandkids Belong

We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me...

JIB: Job Interview Breakdown

Have you ever been a victim 
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have: • “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me...

“Buy Yourself Something Nice, Jerk”

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

My Son’s #1 Concern

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”...

Modeled On Confusion

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said....

The Deadliest Job in WWII

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few...

The Real Meaning of “An Apple A Day”…

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the...

English is Hard

My colleague has been living 
in this country only a few months, 
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today,...

Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here...

What Not To Say In A Job Interview

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss...

Wearing Husband Goggles

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected,...

The Problem With New Jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.”...

Military Lesson: Never Volunteer

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced...

A Vietnam Tupperware Party

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from...

Art Reflects Life… Too Closely

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on 
body-part identification and the 
k sound. To that end, I had him 
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture 
of...

Overheard At Our Diner…

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

No Such Thing As A Free Yacht

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my...

Time Zones Are Hard.

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes...

Insult or Compliment?

Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my...

One Reason To Buy A Painting

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine....

Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the...

My Grandson Is A Smart Egg…

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just...

My Sword of Employer

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the...

Garage Sale Crap-Shoot

While hosting a garage sale, 
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.” H. T. Gibbons,...

Pick a Husband, Any Husband

As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I...

At Ease, and April Fools!

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” SMSgt....

Military Pranks Are Scarier Than Bombs

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: • Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas •...

My Kids Don’t Know What I Do

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,...

An Impossibly Long Leave

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered...

The Wrong Lesson

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything 
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was...

Married To The Job

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by...

And The Lord Separated His Paper From His Plastics…

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was...

No Dumb Questions (Except This One)

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to...

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...

How Did You Know The War Was Over?

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war...

I Hope You ROTC

In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that 
heritage to lord it over me. But...

Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What...

Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink....

“Does It Only Come In Black?”

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big...

Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men...

A Risk For All Seasons

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to...

A Kid With A Dream

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an...

Air-Headed

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be...

Whom Gave It Away?

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause:...

The Cost of Vinyl

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then...

Bad Burglars Do This

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d...

5 Lies Job Applicants Tell

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … … to be a former CEO of the company to which he...

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to...

Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very...

An Iraqi Beauty Regimen

After my niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I...

What ‘Master Key’ Means in the Military

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office....

When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to...

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir,...

Pizza Perils

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza 
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread...

Father Time

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that...

Bosom Buddies

My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious 
to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I...

Half It Your Way

The food at the sandwich shop 
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a...

Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The 
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again...

Funny Military Punishments (According to Reddit)

• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState • Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when...

How About a Finger?

An ad for a hedge clipper that 
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael...

Good Riddance to Dumb Patients

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because,...

An Ocean of Dumb

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando...

Good English

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always...