Funny Stories

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was. The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”  

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is a vowel? Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh … Me: Close enough. —by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter  

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!” The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.” Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.” T. f., via Internet

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.” Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. “How old are you?” a tenant asked. “I’m 81 years old,” he answered. The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?” Thomas Clements, Catonsville, Maryland

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day: • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail carrier. • A woman said her son was 
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital. • A resident said someone had 
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered 
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack. • A man reported that a squirrel 
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An 
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel. Source: uniformstories.com

We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren. d. r., via mail

Have you ever been a victim 
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have: • “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’” • “The guy asked me to tell him 
a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.” • “I got asked about punctuality. 
I went on about how it was good 
to speak clearly and politely, and 
it was nice to use proper grammar 
in speech and writing.” Source: dailymail.co.uk

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?” Janet Frenyea, Walkersville, Maryland

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.” Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?” Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.” Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?” “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado

My colleague has been living 
in this country only a few months, 
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.” Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ” “Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’” “Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.” Source: Overheard in the ER

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?” The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?” John Richman, Webster, New York

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.” A. P., via e-mail

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear. Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully 
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?” Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on 
body-part identification and the 
k sound. To that end, I had him 
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture 
of me. “Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word. “No, that’s your chin,” he said. He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked. “No, that’s your other chin.” Ilene Smith, Milan, Michigan

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom. Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”  Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.” Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared. “Don’t you want to sit on the 
bunny’s lap?” I asked. “No!” he shouted. “There’s 
a man in his mouth!” C. S., via mail

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.” Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

While hosting a garage sale, 
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.” H. T. Gibbons, Santa Fe, New Mexico

As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.” Rosalie Daria, Cincinnati, Ohio

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: • Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas • Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes • Had a new guy conduct a 
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it • Ordered a private to bring back 
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?” “Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.” Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered it. The giveaway? 
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. J. L., via e-mail

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything 
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.” He eventually took another job 
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted 
me, hoping to return to his old job. “Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked. “Yes, I should have stayed here,” 
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.” Terry O’Connor, Chantilly, Virginia

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, 
so she gave her students a hint: 
“It starts with the letter R.” One boy blurted, “Recycle!” Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked. I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.” “OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?” Aimee Prawitz, Sycamore, Illinois

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!” From gcfl.net

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.” Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that 
heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh. One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed 
uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH. Gary Severson, Nooksack, Washington

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.” Submitted by Pate Ferry, Mesa, Arizona

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.” From A Prairie Home Companion

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big engines, 
the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!” Sara Simeral, New London, Connecticut

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a 
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.” Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.” Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.” Jessica Castronovo, 
Manalapan, New Jersey

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that. Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause: “Did you just say whom?” “Yes, I did.” The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up. From gcfl.net

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.” Linda Neukrug, Walnut Creek, California

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.” Wilson Hsia, Temple City, California

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … ... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying. ... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin. ... to be a Nobel Prize winner. ... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time. ... he was fired “on accident.” From careerbuilder.com

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?” He promptly replied, “Another train.” From guy-sports.com

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK. From clientsfromhell.net

After my niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked. “Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.” Wanda kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if 
I could borrow his master key. “Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters. John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.” John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?” The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.” The case was dismissed. Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza 
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/ Source: Twitter

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.” Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada

My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious 
to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she named the other one?” Marcy Snaza, Richfield, Minnesota

The food at the sandwich shop 
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?” Carole Holder, Norman, Oklahoma

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The 
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we 
just call it a duck?” Pamela Spinney, Enosburg Falls, Vermont

• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState • Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. “You will carry this tree with you wherever you go. If anyone asks you why you’re carrying this tree, you will say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’” —Tain01 • A recruit thought he was special because he was an Eagle Scout. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. Then he had him squat over it in order to keep his eggs warm. —V_E_R_S_E Source: reddit.com

An ad for a hedge clipper that 
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael Goldstone, Manchester, England

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.” Sarah Parchert, Hoschton, Georgia

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of 
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. 
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.” Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.” Ellen Israel, Alamo, California