Funny Stories

These funny stories will have you laughing for days.

See how your stories compare with these with these funny short stories you can share with the whole family.

Stewart Francis on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

The Time Traveling Soldier

When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was...

Zero Smarts Thirty

While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then...

Expanding Inventory

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner...

#IGotBusted

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed...

A Wee Little Triumph

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and...

Squeaky Clean

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s so disgusting!” “What are you going to do?” I...

A Horse Of A Different Species

Scene: Horseback-riding stable. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Me: Our horses are very sweet … Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over...

Tiptoe Through The Typos

Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for his...

Strapped For Cash

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a...

How to Find a Foxhole

My gunnery sergeant and I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked. He snapped off a...

Smart-Asses Work in Restaurants, Too

I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which...

Plotting Your Afterlife

Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so 
I don’t have to spend all eternity 
beside my ex!” Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania

Flower Girl in Perpetuity

For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this...

The Smell of Delta

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the...

Expecting a Food Baby

I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning...

Bested by a Parrot

Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”...

Yearbook Signers Beware…

My son and I were checking out a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry? I know...

Left. Left. Left, Right, OUCH!

“Halt!” shouted our drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged...

Shaving with Daddy

My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding...

"What's Good Tonight?"

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself...

Breeding Doubt

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded,...

The Dumbest Questions from National Park Tourists

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these: • How much does Mount McKinley weigh? • Would the lightning be faster if it...

The Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a...

Moonlighting and Other Witchcraft

My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came...

That Sounds Exhausting

My granddaughter was graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the future. She hadn’t any, but she did know this much: “I certainly don’t want...

Un-intelligent Design

We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof....

Hungover at Sea

It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining...

Letters to Soldiers from Children

Students are great about sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why: “Dear Soldier, If you’re having a rough day, remember the most important thing...

What Mommies Have

As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said, “I have a wee-wee. Daddy has a wee-wee.” “That’s right,” said his mother. “That’s because you’re both boys. Do...

Snappy Answers from Little Kids

After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?” Lucas answered, “I don’t know....

The Perks of Being Round

During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror. “Don’t worry,” the woman said. “I can...

A Gift From the Funeral Parlor

During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor. “That was nice of them,” he said. She was unimpressed. “They only want...

"What Key Did I Sing in?"

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?” The pianist replied, “Most of them.” Judy Scheffel, Alpharetta, Georgia

A Teenage Dream

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living...

Baggage Claim Karma

As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel. “Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.” The man shot back defensively,...

A Dumb Driver's-ed Answer

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the ______ is...

Spotted on Facebook…

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in...

Time to Reboot…

My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I...

She Must Not've Read It…

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that...

Tattoo 'Tude

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a...

The Tax Man Cometh

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring...

Misreading the Signals

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly....

Exterminating Grandma

As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom...

Chik-fail-A

Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A. Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk. Clerk:...

Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,...

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”...

A White Easter

A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas...

Terrible Two (Hundreds)

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so stubborn.” He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with...

What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent

“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital. “Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy,...

Never Talk About Religion at Work

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he...

Wrong Store, Buddy

Scene: Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder. Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily? Customer:...

Colonoscopy Small Talk

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures....

What's Your Definition of "Woman"?

Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?

Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist: “$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA...

Is Your Boss This Dumb?

While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device....

Landmarks and Spacemarks

While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. “Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the...

Baby's First Army Roll Call

During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right,...

Kids Say: Concert Edition

After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to...

Bad Things to Tell Your Wife

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured...

Lying in Bed

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.” “I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I...

Flash Drive Failure

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT...

Lamp of Mass Destruction?

When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War...

No-sense Sensor

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my...

Men's Room, Men's Rules

A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her into the empty men’s room, then stood...

Actually, I'm a Time Traveler

When I bought beer at the 
grocery store, the clerk asked for 
my birthdate. I said, “10-3-60.” Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?” David Phenix, Columbia, South Carolina

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh…

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,”...

Will You Still Love Me?

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still...

Poor Little Piggy…

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one...

What are My Options?

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. Me: Siri, call my wife. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife. Siri: I’ve...

PLEASE Don't Administer Orally

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have...

Which West is that?

“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student. She explained that she’d fallen in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So...

The Wrong Language

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know. “Let’s say you’re asking...