Funny Stories

My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father. Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled. “Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’” Submitted by Anne Carlson

We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-
looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, “This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!” Mark Jones, Glendale, Arizona

My mother was standing on 
the bus when she noticed that a 
man holding on to the same pole 
was staring at her. Finally, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.” “Well,” she said, “go ahead.” “This is my pole,” he said. My mother was confused until he added, “I just bought it at a store to hold up my shower curtain.” From gcfl.net

I think I’ve finally decoded the 
language of sale-a-day websites: Statement jewelry = large and ugly Lots of personality = odd and ugly Cutting-edge = disturbing and ugly Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.” Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin

When I stepped on the scale at 
my doctor’s office, I was surprised 
to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off 
that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s 
aide as she made a notation on 
my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. “I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.” Rachel Wagner, Bixby, Oklahoma

I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s 
a cute guy standing here.” Before 
I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.” Source: fmylife.com

Question: Now, to the best of your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop? Answer: I hope so. Diane McElwee, Norfolk, Massachusetts

There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These: • I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I'd read off was upper- or lowercase. • Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool. • A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood. • I'm a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas. Source: reddit.com

A mother complained to my wife, 
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money—it’s the 
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.” Roger Prengel, Lacey, Washington

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.” Patti Simkins, Columbus, Georgia

Heard over the plant’s paging 
system: “Will John Porter please 
return to where you were before you went where you are.” Irene Onorato, Plymouth, Massachusetts

Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas? Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: 
A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers 
in the library.” Source: notalwaysright.com

When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older 
sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.” James Bushart, Cassville, Missouri

While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite 
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room. “I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.” As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.” Noah Jorgensen, Silsbee, Texas

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the boy. “It means 
carrying a child.” Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah

My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.” “Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”  Pat Goetzinger, Lincoln, California

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!” From gcfl.net

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box? Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product. Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause ... ] 
OK ... [huff ... puff] I have it. It says ... Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer. Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am. —Linda Mowry, Midlothian, Virginia

First woman: Look at me—I have 
a muffin top. Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin! —Cora McGrath, New Windsor, New York  

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.” —Charles Gildersleeve, Hohenwald, Tennessee

I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall. “How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked. “I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook 
anymore.” —Mary-Heather Reynolds, Prattville, Alabama

Who wouldn’t be inspired 
to hire this young man? If his 
cover letter is to be believed, he’s 
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague: “I am a 
motivated, self-igniting person.” —Source: heartland.org

Scene: The office Me: We have to submit a form to 
every state. Coworker: All 51? Me: Fifty-one? Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good 
at geometry. —Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio

Scene: office cafeteria line Friend: May I have pepper and salt? (Counter guy looks confused.) Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt? (Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.) Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt … Me: You know, like you shake it on? (Coworker looks over.) Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper! Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that? —From notalwaysworking.com

After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.” —Michele Davis, Onsted, Michigan

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you? —Rebecca Shafer, Springfield, Missouri

There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.” A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.” —Gary Schneider, St. Cloud, Minnesota

As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Looking at my watch, I told her, “It’s 9:41 in Chicago and 5:41 in Honolulu.” Intrigued, she asked, “Is the watch available for other cities?” —Pam Tatreau, Hermosa Beach, California

A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Client: Can you make a color copy? Me: Do you have the original? Client: No. Just this one. Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version. Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier? —From clientsfromhell.net

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.” —John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?” “Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.” —Glen Phenix, Apex, North Carolina

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” —Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?” “Twelve dollars,” says the barber. “And for a shave?” “Ten dollars.” “All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.” —Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a 
referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run over it.”    —M. P., via e-mail

These office drones know exactly what you’re thinking at work: • No one likes hearing “agree to disagree.” Why don’t we just say, “You’re wrong, but I don’t feel like fighting about it right now”? • Sorry, I don’t listen to lectures on being organized from people with 60 icons on their laptop’s desktop. • Answers to questions asked on the way to the bathroom are not 
legally binding. People will agree to anything in that situation. From meetingboy.com

Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one. Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot.    —notalwaysworking.com

It’s Winter break time, and a lot of people will be traveling. Which means it’s also a great time to be the person who gets to approve visa requests, like these handed in by travelers to England. • “I want to be closer to Elton John. He doesn’t come to Togo. Do you see him much in Britain?” • “Do you know if it’s easier to find a wife in England? I’m struggling here [in Peru].” • “Is everybody friends with the queen?” From globalvisas.com

My cousin once called in sick to work because of a “death in the family.” I was her boss. reddit.com

For much of her bartending shift, my wife had to contend with 
a rowdy customer. At the end of the night, he demanded, “Where’s the bathroom!?” “Go down the hallway, and you’ll see a door marked gentlemen,” she said. “But don’t let that deter you.” —Jason David, Hertfordshire, England

From a church bulletin: “The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.” via gcfl.net

Our neighbor brought over a delicious homemade meal, eliciting this comment from my daughter: “No offense, Mom, but Kristi’s dinner makes you look like a really bad mother.” My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense. “Parker, that’s absolutely not true,” she said. “Kristi just makes Mom look like a really bad cook.” —Melissa Maiorano, Cary, North Carolina

Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these 
@FirstDateHell dates. • He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead. • In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax 
machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from 
her mouth. • He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.

It’s easy to get disoriented when visiting New York City. One 
befuddled tourist asked his hotel concierge, “The last time we were 
in NYC, we got out of a subway, and we saw some water and some boats. Do you know where that is?” via howmaywehateyou.com

I was visiting my mother one day, when she passed the candy dish full of chocolates and took one for herself. “I thought your doctor told you to stop eating candy,” I said. “Oh, I don’t have to listen to him anymore,” she replied. “Why not?” “He died.” Robert Orton, Highlands Ranch, Colorado

My daughter said something to me that I didn’t think was very polite. I told her she needed to say it again in a nicer way—so she repeated it with a British accent. via lamebook.com

I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?” My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store 
your contacts?” Tara Price, Leesburg, Georgia

My grandmother called to tell me she’d gotten an e-mail account. “Great,” I said. “Send me a message so I’ll have your e-mail address.” I waited and waited, but she never sent it. Several days later, an envelope arrived—Grandma had written her info on a piece of paper and mailed it to me. Meagan Lundgren, Calgary, Ontario

Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before. Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois

“Those frames are so flattering,” 
I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them. “They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself in the mirror. “Can you see better?” “Yeah, I can see better.” “So what’s wrong?” “Well, for one thing,” she said, 
“I thought I was still cute.” Judee Norton, Show Low, Arizona

My nine-year-old and I passed 
a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?” Deb Morris, North Creek, New York

Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.” My daughter replied, “Mom, they’re all in the shade.” Sandra Shea-Crabbe, Tolland, Connecticut

A neighbor’s 44-year-old sister was pregnant with twins. When 
her niece asked if she knew the genders, she said, “No. I want it to be a surprise.” “You’re 44 and having twins,” said her niece. “How much more surprise do you need in your life?” Jim Grant, Twinsburg, Ohio

When my husband’s friend gave his order at a fast-food restaurant, the cashier asked for his name. “It’s Stephen, with a ph,” he said. Soon after, he was handed his 
order and a receipt, which had his name on it: Phteven. Wendy Dewberry, Pell City, Alabama

Our business relies heavily on abbreviations. For example, I called a customer the other day. Reading from my printout, I asked, “Are you still a fun director?” After a pause, he replied, “I’m a funeral director.” Susan Ladd, Coatesville, Pennsylvania

One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on his quizzes, and I get only ten out of four.” Noelle Bidwell, North Battleford, Canada

From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial, 
it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose yourself in front of everyone!” Yvonne Mikalopas, North Brunswick, New Jersey

My grandfather is a meat and potatoes guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak.” Hayley Rosenbaugh, Houston, Texas

At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked. “It’s delicious!” said my daughter. Her aunt shrugged. “Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.” Nichole Vikdal, Yucca Valley, California


Our Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over. “Some do,” he said. “I call that natural selection.” 
Allison Johnson, Ventura, California

The traffic light near my street buzzes when it’s safe to cross the road. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for. “It tells blind people when the light is red,” I said. She was appalled: “What are blind people doing driving?” Gloria Wilding, Great Britain

“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.” Art Flagel, Benton Harbor, Michigan

In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city's 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. "Who won American Idol?" "Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?" "Can I claim my dog on my income tax?" Source: New York Magazine

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, "I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone." Lois Henry, Farmington, Maine

Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers. Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of... Customer: Is this a recording? Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to... Customer: I don’t believe you! From somethingawful.com

Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates: “Can my husband finish the test for me?” “Would you consider going on a date with me?” “Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?” “Do I have to be at work every day?” From a study by the staffing firm OfficeTeam

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.” Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him an odd look and said, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.” From gcfl.net

During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete. “No, I’m not,” I assured him. “Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked. “Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.” Lynn Ahlgrim-Delzell,Mount Holly, North Carolina