Funny Headlines

—Source: Masslive.com

—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, Kentucky

You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary: “She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.” “Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.” “Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.” “Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

It’s tough enough selling a home nowadays. Don’t make the mistakes that turned off these readers on the City Room blog of The New York Times: • "It was a good house, well-maintained. But the bed with the person in it was off-putting." • "The family dog, long departed, was stuffed and standing next to the fireplace. RIP Sparky." • "The main distraction was dirt. Although there was the tiny child who proudly showed us the refrigerator full of ‘Daddy’s beer’ just outside an upstairs bedroom."

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north. Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame."

The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn't say how many birds there were. "The last thing I was going to do was look up," he told CNN.

What's the toughest part about writing a book? It's deciding what to call it, as these finalists for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year prove. Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter An Intellectual History of Cannibalism Father Christmas Needs a Wee! Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease

Scary business headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"

Safe Haven Small Animal Hospital 24 Hour Veterinary Service Bill Mosley, DVM 200 E. Norway 936-4798 Hunters Welcome!

1940s "Once in Virginia," said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, "I passed a small church displaying a large sign. It read 'Annual Strawberry Festival' and, below in small letters, 'On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'" --Boston Transcript 1950s The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, "To stay out of trouble, say 'Yes, sir' all day and 'No, sir' all night." --Anonymous 1960s A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. "Maybe it's our long hair," I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: "Going to the barber's." Within seconds we had our ride. --Raymond Butkus 1970s A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib." --Phyllis Reely 1980s While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. "What do you think?" he asked his girlfriend. "Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous." --Audrey Kelly 1990s My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. "How do you get out of here?" Jim asked. The fellow smiled and said, "No cheese for you." --Christine Probasco 2000s I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." "Sweetheart," my mother gently chided, "this is not the Internet." --M.M.

Coincidences were flying when a man was arrested and charged with stealing a bird feeder from Cornell University's ornithology laboratory. According to the Associated Press, police charged James Buzzard, 44, who lives on Cardinal Drive in Ithaca, N.Y., with stealing the feeder from the lab on Sapsucker Woods Road.